Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.

Mob Boss: Did you check the money for marks?

Me: Why would I, we’ve never had a president named Mark

Mob Boss: …

Me: *getting nervous* H-have we?

[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now

Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.

[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone

He said: We can’t go away on vacation and leave your mug in the sink. The kitchen isn’t clean if there are dishes in the sink.
~ a few weeks later ~
I said: You can’t go off to work and leave your hair in the sink. The bathroom isn’t clean if there are whiskers in the sink.

rival dad next door thinks he has the best lawn but joke’s on him because i just sold my house to a professional landscaper. CHECKMATE.

Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.

date: what do u do

me: well u know big bird

date: omg. u play him

me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him

it must be school picture day

dog 911: what’s ur emergency?

dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE

dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?

dog: [whimpering]

dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass

I just post them. I don’t explain them.

I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.

flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING

police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long

me: i thought we were doing a silly one

I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.

*Watching tv*
Him: wtf are you eating?
Me: Cotton candy. *stuffing more in my mouth* The attic is full of it but I think it’s stale.

Me: Hello darkness my old friend

Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan

My husband accidentally woke me at 5am while getting ready for his morning run. Exercise doesn’t just hurt you, it hurts the ones closest to you.

My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I’ll be able to do karate if I’m ever in a fight.

my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*

my dad: lol nerd

Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.

Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.

Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.

Aquaman: but-

Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.

Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief

microwave: gonna cook it

me: no please. just defrost the chicken.

microwave: ok i’ll do both

If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.

(1st day in heaven)

Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF

Give me one reason why I shouldn’t pass this math class
“You held up 2 fingers just now”
Ok then give me that many reasons

They did not miss in the small print

My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.

[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?