Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.

The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.

[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]

PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”

My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.

People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS

Convenience. My nearest worm shop is miles away.

Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this

I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”

hen my pregnant friend pulled me aside and was like “I just wanted to get ahead of this.. we’re naming her Grace but it’s not after you. It has nothing to do with you”.

How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.

I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.

I Googled “Books for women in their 30s.” One of the results said “Books for women late in life.” I’m in my 30s, not moving to a retirement home.

But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡

[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*

Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine

I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.

It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.

Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.

“Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”

“Dad, where do babies come from?”

“Walmart.”

me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak

[Commercial for hobbies]

Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.

“HOBBIES”

TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir

WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.

[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?

Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?

“Not with the proper treatment.”

*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*

“Alexa, homeschool the children.”

her: *gets on knees*

me: oh yeah

her: *goes down to all fours*

me: oh yeah

her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*

me: oh no

I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.

Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.

Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.