Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING
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Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins
Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.
Rompers are cute and all until you have to pee in a public bathroom. There’s no cute way to execute that. You’re now in an episode of naked and afraid.
A robin just had chicks in a nest above our garage. Today, her babies were chirping and she just sat on them, and I’m wondering if I can use this method when my kids keep asking for snacks.
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.
Also the dumbest.
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.
I’ll never understand people who go through self-checkout line and slowly and carefully scan their items. This line is for STEALING
I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
every TV pilot:
“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”
Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude
After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently
Going to change my wifi network name to…
Someone Please Help Me
And give this neighborhood something to talk about.
[exotic fish store]
AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.
Got lectured today from my doctor about my glucose level. I knew I should’ve studied more for that blood test.
Motherhood is accidentally handing the cashier some change with baby teeth in it and having to assure them that you’re also the tooth fairy and not a serial killer
It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.
4: I’m gonna hide this in a secret spot!!
*2 min later*: MOM! COME SEE MY SECRET SPOT!
Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
“Welcome, teachers & parents, to our community school assembly”
*gestures to 237 IKEA boxes*
“Let’s begin! Who’s got the Allen wrench?”
Thinking about Jeff
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like