Someone just posted that they baked some synonym rolls. So I said, “Just like grammar used to make?”
Now I’m blocked 😅🤣😂
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Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword
ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…
I’m gonna put “CEO of Blockbuster Video” on my resume because who are they gonna call to confirm?
The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.
Not how I expected him to come back but okay.
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?
Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.
3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans:
Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap
Me: sure
Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold
Me: I’m not an idiot
[10 minutes later]
Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.
[titanic, 1912]
Captain: what kind of lettuce do u want on your sandwich
First mate: ICEBERG
Captain: lol no need to shout, Dave
Gallant is a goddamn psychopath.
[in bed]
me: was that thunder?
wife: i didn’t hear anything
dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”
I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back
[at daycare]
Me: I’m here to pick up my son
Daycare: what’s he look like?
Me: *points to my face*
D: oh. Ok
Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?
No matter how often I scream METALLICA in the poolside DJ’s face I don’t think he’s going to play them. Here come the police they’ll help me
My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
Dolly Parton wrote “Jolene” and “I Will Always Love You” on the same day and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
when i’m stressed i close my eyes and imagine i’m on a beach, neurotically pacing back & forth within a very small section of that beach
me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*
website: we need you to call for that
me: *calls*
phone message: we’re busy, use the website
me: screams into the void
the void: please use the website