Someone just posted that they baked some synonym rolls. So I said, “Just like grammar used to make?”
Now I’m blocked 😅🤣😂
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[dentist]
receptionist: with copay that will be $15
me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of
Can an objects name be any more ridiculous than the walkie talkie? Why aren’t toilets called ‘sitty shittys’? Refrigerator ‘foody cooly’?
Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is
“Annie are you ok?”
-yep
“Are you ok?”
-dude, I just said yes
“Are you ok Annie?”
-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
I’m just saying, no dog has ever ghosted me
Him: don’t say anything embarrassing
Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby
Friend: My car is making a weird noise
Me: Have you tried essential oils?
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.
doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test
me: did i pass? haha
doctor: no but you will very soon
Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.
Hey dude that invented the unicycle…
Where were you wanting to go ?
then not go,
then go,
then not go,
then get bored and juggle
The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.
There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
Joseph Smith, 1833
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
KILLER [burying me alive]:
ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.
KILLER [calls the police]:
I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”
At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals
ME: no problem
[later w/ a group]
ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…
Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.
[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care
Going to a hair-washing party tonight. Really don’t want to go but I couldn’t think of an excuse to get out of it.