Someone just posted that they baked some synonym rolls. So I said, “Just like grammar used to make?”
Now I’m blocked 😅🤣😂
You Might Also Like
[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
Parenting a 3yo is basically a series of non stop negotiations.
Me: We have to leave the playground so we can do two more things.
3yo: no five more things!
Me: no, one more thing.
3yo: yay one more thing!
Bless their stupid little hearts.
Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”
Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.
dentist: u need to floss
me: no
dentist: my other patient who wouldn’t floss lost all his teeth
me: really
dentist: in a fistfight
me: that sounds unrelated
dentist: it was my fist. do what i say
“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation
The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.
me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
People who are bad at hiding, I see you
People say they’re gung-ho about saving the environment, but propose reusing toilet paper at a city council meeting one time and suddenly global warming’s “not that big of a deal” and “you’re not welcome here”
*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
I’m convinced that anytime an employee at a shoe store goes into the back room looking for your size they enter Narnia, romp around for a few hours forgetting about work, and then come back and just tell you no they don’t have your size.
[about to post]
Social Media Police: Is it reliable
Me: Yes
SMP: Source?
M: I heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend
SMP: Proceed
“How is the job search going?” first of all, that is a violent question. And it hurts me, by the way. And second, how the hell should I know
‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’
– idiots
A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings
Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled
Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala
Me: What time should I pick that up?
Someone has just suggested that when we check-in cases, we should put a label on them that states their destination. Absolute game changer.
I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable
Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person
My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”
My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.
*Do not consume if seal is broken*
I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.
every TV pilot:
“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”