Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When someone explains why they’re late, I tell them I don’t buy it and make intense eye contact.

* asks plastic surgeon

” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”

In case you haven’t checked Facebook,

It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!

#merica

You Can Either Verify Whether This Inspirational Story Is True Or Share It Now And Reap The Precious Social Capital

me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new

[spelling bee]

judge: your word is “redacted”

me: ████████

judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct

you can run but you can’t hide

*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*

‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.

Health and fitness is really important to me

Dips the French fry in the mashed potatoes

The guy next to me at the airport bar, after an hour of silence, suddenly pushed back his chair, locked eyes, and said, “It’s been a goddamn pleasure making your acquaintance,” and walked out. An A+ interaction.

[on phone]

ME: Babe what’s the wifi password?

HER: We broke up. I told you last night

ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?

ok here’s the deal. Yes it was dumb of NASA to ask Sally Ride if she needed 100 tampons for a 7-day mission, but I would have said “Actually I need 250” because that’s free tampons from the government, babbbbyyy.

Someone tried to persuade me to go to a party by saying, “Are you sure? There’s gonna be a lot of people there.” Oh then definitely no

TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall

Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.

Guy: Which way is left?

Me: *points to the right*

Guy: What is a horn for?

Me: Jazz

Guy: Where does gasoline go?

Me: *points to my tummy*

Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*

Me *putting honey on toast*

Son: do you know bees make that?

Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot

[Later]
Date: tell me something interesting

Me: bees make toast

Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.

Me: Should we have macaroni salad or potato salad at the BBQ?

Husband: Can we talk about this when we’re not having sex?

the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat

Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…

If it requires “gear” I’m in.

The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.

ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.

I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say

What do you call a factory that makes okay products?

A satisfactory.

“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight.” — The Swiss Army