Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*

A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.

Nice to have free crisps in the hotel room and these look definitely fit for Consumption.

me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it

google: we’re doing this again?

So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like

[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account

LMAO

[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten

[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating

Only a fool would use the toothbrush the dentist gives you. You think the dentist would freely hand you the tools that would keep them away?

Everyone on twitter: (already terrified all of the time)

Mashable: [promoted tweet] This cute new robot can shudder and squirm through the underside of a closed door and inject heart-stopping drugs from ten feet away! 😍

Should I be disturbed by the way my 8-year-old daughter plays doctor? I was her patient today, and she just made me fill out forms the whole time.

one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.

70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.

Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on

Pizza: *exists*

Me: never mind

I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.

Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.

Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”

I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie

me: i just saw a huge rat

starbucks employee: what

me: sorry i just saw a venti rat

employee: omg where

You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.

Me to the ice maker: Can I please just have a few cub-

Ice dispenser: YOU MUST SACRIFICE 20 CUBES TO THE FLOOR GOD!!!

Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn’t improved since fourth grade.

Went into the kitchen and found my daughter and her boyfriend making popcorn …..

One. Kernel. At. A. Time.

I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.

Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house

I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.

Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.

The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.

“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy

Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 10 years

Me: idk Where do you see YOURSELF in 10 years

Interviewer: i don’t wanna say it’s embarrassing lol

Me: come on what if we say it at the same time

Interviewer: ok deal

Me: ok, 3..2..1

In sync: making furniture for hamsters