Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy

tad speechless. husband just woke me up from my football nap by holding a warm piece of pizza under my nose until the smell got me sniffing and twitching like a dog. “I can’t believe that worked”

Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake

[guy who’s about to invent urinals]

*peeing* i hate having privacy

“My desires are… unconventional.”

“Show me.”

*opens door to a room full of memes*

8yo: You’re annoying me!

10yo: No, you’re annoying me!

Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.

News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.

[grocery store, frozen aisle]

Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
Ommmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm

Clerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?

Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas

When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.

I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today

*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok

*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!

I wear the same outfit for 3 days but when I’m going away for 3 days I pack enough clothes for 7 days just in case my personality completely changes while I’m gone.

My family can’t decide what kind of Lab to get (Chocolate, Yellow, Black, etc.) so we drew straws.

I won, so we’re getting a Meth.

My 7yo asking me when I’m leaving, how long I’ll be gone, the earliest I’ll get back, and how long it takes for me to drive home from where I’m going sends up all kinds of red flags.

“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.

My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars

nyc:

me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?

dentist: how are you talking out your nose

When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?

I’m tired of the bad jokes, dad. Doubt you can hear me anyway. I’m pullin’ the plug.

“…hi pullin’ the plug, I’m da-”

*pulls the plug*

If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ

Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.

“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood

Breaking news:

My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.

[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling

I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle

Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.

Today’s office game is “Am I having auditory hallucinations in the bathroom or is someone sitting in the big stall watching videos on their phone?”