Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭

I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires

*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*

I love the National Park Service.

ME: have you seen my keys?
WIFE: check your pockets
ME: nope
[phone rings]
ME: hello?
CIA: check your other pocket

People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.

God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then

My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.

The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.

I challenged him to a rap battle.

Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.

New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.

Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.

This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.

I went in to a pet shop. I said, “I would like to buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”

I said, “I don’t care what astrological sign it is.”

flight attendant: as u can see the captain has turned on the no murdering sign
[guy next to me is still murdering someone]
me: um excuse me

Getting ready to go on vacation is just me making sure the house is super clean so that if we get robbed, the robbers can say “they don’t have shit but these countertops are amazing!”

Me in tagged photos

You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.

One day your kids will come home from school and ask why you spelled their name wrong.

According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.

I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.

My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.

Peregrine falcons: Attack from above. Prey on smaller birds. Silent. Cowards.

Geese: Will land in front of a full grown man. Hiss and honk to let you know battle has commenced. Audible boss music. Brave.

You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?

It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.

My brother drank a bourbon and challenged my kids to Mario Kart. My kids are about to learn how annoying it is to lose to my brother when he’s drunk.

Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?

“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”

I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.

My kid was struggling to solve a complex math problem and tried unsuccessfully to ask Alexa for help. Being the responsible parent I am, I explained the best way to crowdsource a solution is to post the wrong answer on Reddit and 500 peeps will correct you in minutes.

Me: *staring at leftovers* I think I’ll save the rest of this for later.

[10 mins later]

Also me: I guess this is later enough.

“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.