Someone just posted that they baked some synonym rolls. So I said, “Just like grammar used to make?”
Now I’m blocked 😅🤣😂
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*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*
Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet
We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple
Just saw someone holding a sign that said “Honk 2 impeach Obama”
You’d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated
guys PLEEEAAASEEE does anyone have the original pic of this thread it’s been on my mind for 2 days now
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.
My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
🙄😏😂🤣
Spam popsicles.
*follow for more recipes
this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
Every triangle is a love triangle when you love triangles
I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.
Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
[at zoo]
Kids, here we have reptiles. Reptiles are cold-blooded. This means they rely on external heat and often answer texts with just a K.
ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches
ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
*Weather changes*
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.
“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”
EMOTICON GUIDE
🙂 I’m happy
😉 Having a seizure. Still happy
:/ Having a stroke. Not happy
🙁 I’m a grouper
.) Lost an eye. Still happy
Girlfriend’s dad doesn’t like me for some reason. Doesn’t want to get rich via foolproof investment opportunity, either. Strange guy
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.
WORD: wanna see paste options?
ME: no it’s fine
WORD: but check out these paste options
ME: pls move the box I can’t see the words behind it
WORD: 🙁
ME: fine there I looked now move the box
WORD: 🙂
ME: it’s still there
WORD: which was your favorite 😐
I told my husband to tell me I don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm and he had the NERVE to say, “You don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm.”
STICK BUG WIFE: We can’t seem to get pregnant
DOC: Well, we ran numerous tests…
STICK BUG WIFE: …and?
DOC: Your husband’s an actual stick
Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.