Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]

Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?

Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?

My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke it’s because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I can’t make this stuff up people

[wife is gone]

me: I’m gonna take apart the front porch railings

10: did mom say you could?

me: it’s my house too!

10: but did she tell you that you could do that?

me: I can do what I want

10: I’m texting mom

LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.

It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change

The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014

Me: God, I just feel so
Brain: HUNGRY
M: No, I’m very alone. I desperately want
B: FOOD
M: Part of me is missing. All I need is
B: PRINGLES

“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”

I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.

Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-

Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women

Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right

Wife: I’m leaving you

Me: why

Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued

Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure

Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 😘 You got this 💪
.
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes

Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.

Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal

HER: congratulations on having twins

ME: triplets

HER: but there’s only two of them

ME: shit

Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-

Him: Stop singing to the mustard

Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.

Hour 43 no smoking:

-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.

If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.

Sometimes I feel so bad about not being perfect but then I remember people who expect you to be perfect all the time are exhausting and then I scratch my armpits like a monkey.

The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had

I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.

got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience

My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.

I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery

professor: there are no stupid questions

me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big

professor:

me:

professor: there is one stupid question

The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.

Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.

I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread

[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK

Rejected Candy Hearts:

– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free