Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.

If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.

roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”

Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.

me: i need to make a follow up appointment

receptionist: ok how about 10 next tuesday

me: no i only need one

Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.

Got my COVID test result back. 70, whatever that means. Luckily I also got my IQ test results and they were positive

Me: you want salmon for dinner?

3yo: yeah!

Me: what do you want with it?

3yo: mayo.

Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.

3yo: mayonnaise.

I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.

Cop: Know why I pulled you over?

I’m in a High Occupancy lane

Cop: Yes…wait IS THAT A JOINT?

Yeah I’m HIGH lol

Cop: My bad, free to go

an I working from home…. or living at work? 🤔🤔🤔

I no longer need Google.

I have a 22 year old in college.

Who called it Alcatraz and not Jailhouse Rock

This toilet won’t flush!!

Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”

Dr: Are you sexually active?

Me: *cries*

Dr: Um, are you sexually-

Me: *cries harder*

Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?

Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK

I’m a go getter.
I don’t let other people ruin my day.
I ruin my day my damn self

Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ??

Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.

Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.

Do not, and I can’t stress this enough, drink half a bottle of Irish whiskey and then make the completely rational assumption that you could cut your own hair.

my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”

i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool

That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”

My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk

Doctor: Your children are very healthy

Me: Good

Doctor: They’re getting bigger and stronger

Me: I know

Doctor: And they’re going to get even bigger and even stronger

Me: *trembling* I know

Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I’d be obsessed with you too.

[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a veterinarian
Me: thank you for your service
Date: veterinarian not veteran
Me: ok but still

People who complain about parties must not like free food.

12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.

hate those people that go 15+ years without talking to you and then the first thing they say when they see you is “hows your mom?” like, dude,, youre my dad, you should know

If I opened an Italian restaurant, I’d describe my lasagne as ‘Just like mama used to make’ because my mum couldn’t cook and neither can I.

My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.