Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.

I spotted a worm on a busy jogging path, and decided that since all life is precious I ought to move the little guy out of the way so he wouldn’t get trampled. The jogger behind me didn’t see me bend over and flew right over my head and face planted. He’s still alive though, so

Joseph: 3 minutes BC

Mary: Aaarghhhhhh

Joseph: 2 minutes BC

Mary: STOP DOING THAAARGGHHH THE BABY’S COMING!

Joseph: 1 minute BC

Mary: JESUS CHRIST

My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.

Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11

my kids can lose something i bought them for $20 and up and not even flinch but could lose a stick they found in the yard and cry about it for hours.

100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree

If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.

ME: I got you a therapy cat

WIFE: THAT’S A LION!

ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach

Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”

“Don’t worry, I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.” – Cargo Pants

IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me

Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.

That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.

are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google

So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?

We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.

How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.

You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra

Waitress: Would you like an omelet?

Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…

It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years

she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.

Are you turned on?

Switch I might be!

Welcome to middle age.
Don’t bother looking at the weather forecast; your joints will let you know when it’s going to rain.

DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.

ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.

i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related

[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal

Credit Card Company: Yes sir, I see the bogus charges. We’ll take care of that.

Me: And…the other thing?

Credit Card Company: No sir, just because they tried to steal your identity doesn’t mean they are willing to take your kids.

A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend