Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: I’d take a bullet for you

Me: I’ll allow it.

Me, at a Renaissance Fair: Well actually, that type of staff is inappropriate for the type of wizard you are portraying.

The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend

Cat: [coughing up a hairball]

French tutor: very good

If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”

You’re doing it wrong

I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart

I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament

guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening

[1st night of a boyfriend sleeping over]

Me: I sleep with a sound machine, that ok?

Him: ya that’s fine!

*I reach over & hit a button. The part in Hey Ya where he repeats “alright alright alright alright” starts to play on a loop*

Me *snuggles covers up to chin*: night babe

Safari Guide: *whispering* Folks, it’s a rhinoceros. Just back away without any erratic movements.

Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: Uh-oh.

*Sucks spider up in vacuum*

*panics*

*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*

clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note

Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month

me: it smells like updog in here
me: what’s updog
me: not much dog what’s up with you lmao
me: lol
therapist: I see

My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.

another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?

Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.

Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day

“What’d you do this weekend?”

I was shooting craps.

“Oh you went to a casino?”

*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.

The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.

Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers

“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis

Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous

Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.

Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.

Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.

Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.

Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?

You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.