Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”
and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.
but they meant Will and Kate ☠️
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Him: [running out of burning house carrying two house plants and three Led Zeppelin CDs] I DIDN’T KNOW WHICH PLANTS YOU WANTED
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!
Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday
Dad: internet people aren’t real friends
Me: *to dm room* he says thanks
He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…
2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time
No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs
BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”
HER: tell me about yourself
ME: I have a cat
H: cute
M: he likes music
H: cool
M: we’re in a band
H: weird
M: called Mewtallica
H: ok bye
SCHRÖDINGER: So son, theoretically your cat is neither dead or al–
WIFE: Tell him.
SCHRÖDINGER: Your cat’s dead.
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.
My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.
People who talk to themselves tend to be great lovers.
Did you know that?
Yes, I did know that.
Thank you for asking.
Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them
Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”
German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space
It’s hard for me to believe that the new Star Wars trailer has already been seen millions of times. How do they even know where it’s parked?
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
I also stopped visiting a friend of mine because he had a snake. The last time I visited him, I asked him where his snake was because it wasn’t in its cage and he told me he didn’t know but it’s somewhere around the house. 😭 I left immediately.
I’m sorry I mistook your baby for a bag of cheetos. If it helps, it was very tasty.
Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.
So, teardrop tattoo it is.
Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced
It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”