Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking

chef: updog

guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that

Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.

Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:

1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony

The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?

when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus

Them: what kind of friend are you?
Me: idk Phoebe maybe

My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me

WANTED: Sanity

LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn’t get a new toy

REWARD: 4 year old

I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.

Friend – Your grammar is horrible.

Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth

I’m not a helicopter mom.

I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.

Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.

You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.

Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?

Mom: What did I just say?!?

Kid: Don’t you remember?

I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.

[date]
Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I’ll just have the chicken nouj-
Date: nuggets

People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true

That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”

You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.

Noah’s wife: r u joking right now?
Noah: my hands are tied babe
Noah’s Wife: but.. we’re married?
Noah: I’m sorry but he said 2 of each species
Noah’s mate Dave: [pushing past with an xbox] If only there was another way

Sometimes I think about when I told my 10 year old he could be like me when he grew up because I was trying to be cool and he said YAY, I GET TO LAY ON A HEATING PAD ALL DAY

Twister but it’s just me trying to get out of bed after our son, daughter, dog, cat, 2 blankets, 5 stuffed animals and a light saber found their way into it

Squirrels: 1,538

My dogs: -17

The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter

We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.

ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant

I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume

Always a little embarrassing having to admit that I met my wife through Twitter so whenever anyone asks I keep it vague and just say that she groomed me online.

whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.

[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]