Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs
Sounds like I’m eating water and air today
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At a business meeting:
“How about SuperCupid?”
“No, expectations will be too high”
“GreatCupid?”
“Lower”
“Uhhh, OKCupid?”
“Brilliant”
I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.
A great first step 😂
Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”
Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
Can’t, too busy deleting screenshots of my lock screen
I enjoy a good short stor
*beats dead horse*
*kills two birds with 1 stone*
*lets cat out of bag*
*takes bull by horns*
*breaks camels back*
*gets kicked out of zoo*
Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”
Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”
I’m in court with another one of those attorneys who licks their fingers before turning every single page in their file.
I do not regret the contempt fine I’m about to receive, but this must stop.
Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.
Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.
thinking of starting a true crime podcast. gotta explain this search history somehow
When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”
The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.
me: technically, they’re magma lamps until you crack them open and pour the lamp sauce out, then it becomes lava
doctor: no I meant thoughts about your treatment plan
It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.
*3.5 thank you very much.
Having a crush is weird bc one minute you’re a normal person and then out of nowhere you’re like damn I wanna bake that boy a pie
when you miss your boat so you have to take the train
Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?
Her: Yeah, a little…
Me: I was talking to my mom!
Mom: No, I’m fine.
ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences
WARDEN: no
airing out the snack pack
I am, perchance
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
Genie: You have three wishes.
Me: First, I would like a time machine.
*travels back in time a few minutes now owning a time machine*
Genie: You have three wishes.