Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card

My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.

She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.

Son: Dad is it true you named us after things you saw in the yard?

Dad: Yes we did, Hawk.

Rose: Nice.

Grill: You could have looked around a bit.

I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.

the most incredible thing about James Bond is the way he can walk into any hotel room and immediately know how to use the shower

Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.

Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them

Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp

[napping on couch]

Daughter: dada wanna play cops and robbers?

Me: ok I’ll be the cops.

Daughter: you have to chase me.

Me: I can’t.

Daughter: why?

Me: FBI took over the case from me [eyes still closed] nothing I could do.

Daughter: [under breath] stupid feds.

Me: the floor is lava

Pompeii: everything is lava

Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?

—God, creating toddlers

I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.

Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food

Remember, if you start with, “It’s crazy to think…” you can say whatever you want.

Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.

Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?

Me: 👌

Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”

Twitter fine art

When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.

This guy on GMA is thanking God b/c he survived 2 plane crashes. I’m pretty sure “God” is trying to kill him.

fourth time’s the charm

Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.

[first day of astronomy class]

So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,

or do we draw straws?

You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN

Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?

Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.

UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay

My little old fish didn’t move around in her bowl all day. i thought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.

god: did you give the dinosaurs more muscle like I asked

angel: wait what

god: I told you to make them meatier

angel: oh MEATier

GENIE 1: he wanted money so i made him a bank robber, ha
GENIE 2: i just…gave mine money
GENIE 1: LMAO YOU GUYS, JERRY JUST GAVE IT TO HIM

[at Eminem show]
Cuz I am / whatever you say I am /
[from crowd]
“Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!”
The shapeshifting continues for hours.