Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.

I got no respect for anyone who has ever uttered the phrase “don’t fill up on bread!’ when they are at a restaurant. Like, buddy I been filling up on bread my whole life, you think I’m going to stop when we are at the place that is giving the shit away for free?!

I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.

-why spelling matters

I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”

I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.

Science is fun!

#nottrue

*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?

You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.

BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive

If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.

Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games

[The Last Airbender, nervous on a date]

*breaks wind*

Ope, excuse me. I’m a little out of my element here.

Rey: I want to be your Jedi student.

Me: Did you hear what happened to all my other Jedi students?

Rey: No.

Me: Good. Let’s get started.

[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]

Me: must be good genetics

oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow

*date*

GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?

LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.

Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.

just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon

everything is a lie nothing is real

I’m convinced that anytime an employee at a shoe store goes into the back room looking for your size they enter Narnia, romp around for a few hours forgetting about work, and then come back and just tell you no they don’t have your size.

have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car

“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”

*looking up at the stars*

Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?

Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?

next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy

The original Alien is the best because of the smoking. No futuristic nicotine delivery. Just blasting cigs around all that sensitive space equipment. That’s the direction technology advanced: to allow cigarettes in spacecrafts.

Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.

probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.

It must be hard for a vampire to floss their fangs when they can’t see their reflection in a mirror.

A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.

🙅🏻