Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?
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when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
Everyone younger than me is an idiot. Everyone older than me has lost their mind.
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”
She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???
5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?
Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”
“911, how may I help you?”
“Quickly, pretend like you’re my girlfriend”
“Sir, this is for emergen–”
“AAAAW I LOVE YOU TOO HONEY‘!”
“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung
You know you’re watching Star Wars with Catholics when every time you hear “May the Force be with you,” you hear, “And also with you.”
it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow
me: yes
my mom today: do u work today
me: yes i already told u
my mom when i’m at work: where are u
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.
Omg, I love where this is going.
~Me hearing a good recipe.
[creation]
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.
Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.
Last-minute gift idea!
We are the people our parents warned us about.
Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.