A welcome mat is a gateway rug.
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If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
My coworkers are trying to talk me into doing a Polar Plunge. If I want to be doused into freezing cold water I’ll just have someone flush while I’m taking a shower.
Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
*Weather changes*
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.
Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.
*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?
Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.
I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.
The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.
Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.
The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.
Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’
[comedy club]
Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!
Other worms: *silence*
Early bird: *cracking up*
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”
kids these days don’t know but it’s mad how many CD-Rs we were all burning 20 years ago. you’d usually get in a couple before breakfast, ideally nip home at lunch for a quick one, kick back in the evening burning a few and then wake up multiple times a night to insert fresh discs
HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u
I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.
Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.
[ad for florist]
Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?
My kids don’t recognize me with my mask on at school pick-ups, so I either have to dress as Waldo everyday or perform the Macarena.
boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time
Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.
Me: Okay.
I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.
“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.