Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.
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KIDNAPPER 1: Is he responding to the truth serum?
KIDNAPPER 2: *Walking out of room I was in, clearly emotionally exhausted* He has… just so many Harry Potter theories.
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him
Me: I want you inside of me.
Him: Wow.
Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?
Him: Why are you like this?
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
it’s dangerous to go alone, take this
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime
[8 AM]
Me: Time to wake up.
[13 HOURS LATER]
Me: Time to go to bed.
Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.
Me:*Gently nudges your arm*
Would you like to be my Valentine?
Doctor: Can we discuss this after your colonoscopy?
Clown: *twisting balloon* any requests?
Me: how about a dog
Clown: one dog coming up
Stranger: THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED! THE ARMIES OF THE DAMNED ARE UPON US!
Clown: *stops twisting*
Me: ok a sword I guess
PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?
ME: Well, now you made it weird.
Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.
Dermatologist just told me this surgery is going to leave a scar.
Can we have a moment of silence for the death of my modeling career?
Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf
ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok
It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.
My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
[trying to sleep]
Me: ok, just breathe and relax.
Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED
Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.
Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.
Hell hath no fury like a sports bra being applied to a just showered but not 100% dry body.
mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons
Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit
Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day
My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.