Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.
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Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.
Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.
10: Mom, I need to tell you a secret. Dad thought he was eating white chocolate, but it was a piece of your vanilla scented candle and he liked it. Don’t tell anyone, ok?
Me: Oh, don’t worry…
My daughter got upset when my cat killed a squirrel, so I talked about “the circle of life.” Which made her decide I needed to kill the cat.
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten
OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.
I think I’m having a stroke
“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100
My husband kept me up last night playing Call of Duty on his phone, so this morning I changed his ringtone to someone farting, and then called him repeatedly when he went to the gym.
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.
[At Doctor]
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain
Me:Oh
[Oreo meeting]
What about ‘sextuple stuffed’
“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”
[later googling Sextuple]
“Omg that’s genius”
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
Made the mistake of telling my work wife about my Twitter crush. Long story short, the judge awarded her half the snacks in my desk and my good stapler.
chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord
me: I just want some nuggets man
cfa employee: I Would Die For You
Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.
[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.
[I kneel down, pick up some dirt and let it run through my hand]
uh huh….
[I lick my finger and stick it in the air] hmm….
[I run my knuckles over some moss on a nearby tree]
unless i’m mistaken, it would seem that i’m outside
The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.
Happy Halloween!
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
Me: Aww, a bear!
Bear: You’re being audited by the IRS.
Me: Oh no, a bad news bear.
Me: Forever young!
Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.
Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.