Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.
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Nobody:
Dog: OMG HE LOOKED IN THE GENERAL DIRECTION OF MY LEASH WE’RE GOING FOR A WALK I’M READY C’MON LET’S GO NOW PUT YOUR SHOES ON NOW HERE LET ME HELP I HAVE YOUR SOCK OK LET’S GO WALK!!!
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”
🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶
*tightens straps on electric chair*
Any last words?
-I think male oysters should be called boysters
Omg will someone throw the damn switch
Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.
Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this
Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.
That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.
Happening now: The young lady sitting next to me on the plane sneezed & I said “Bless you” & she thanked me then she immediately sneezed again & I said “You only get one” and oh she did NOT laugh
Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker
Husband: Why are there no clean spoons in this house?
[flashback to me cooking dinner and using every spoon in the house]
Me: I have no idea.
My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate
Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…
FRIEND: What’s the movie, where they bring that monster to life and then have to destroy it?
[at the same time]
HER: Frankenstein.
ME: Frosty the Snowman.
Adultry does not sound fun at all
Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.
I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.
This forever.
Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.
I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents
Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside
*waters flowers*
*flowers die**sprays weeds with poison*
*weeds mutate, quadruple in size, grow 3 heads, and start speaking in tongues*
“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
Me: Woohoo, I survived Thanksgiving! I can relax now.
Anxiety: Haha…Christmas.
me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*
I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.
Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
Me: What are you doing?
Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.
Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.
Wife: