Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*knocks on bedroom window*

*holds up phone *

YOU LEFT ME ON READ!

Mary Poppins: 🎶A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down🎶

Death Row inmate: how did you get in here

Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.

A fun thing to do is sign your kids up for a class they’re dying to take and then listen to them complain about it for the next 8 weeks.

8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you’re drunk?

Me: Oh it’s awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.

Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on

Did you just take my picture?

Me: *starts to make thunder noises

This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.

Me: Get the tires rotated?? Don’t they rotate enough while the car is moving?
Mechanic: Omg you’re right! What a scam. I truly apologize.

Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.

Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.

*It’s 17 seconds

I wish Teachers were treated like pro athletes. Million dollar contracts and tenure bonuses.

Pro model erasers and chalk. Showered with Gatorade when the whole class passes.

I learned about self care from watching my cat.

Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.

“MEANWHILE IN MONTANA: A handful of cows found their way into a newly built home and lived in it for a month before being noticed.

The family was moving from Washington. The Aunt was supposed to be checking on the place, but she didn’t. A rancher had filed a report about missing

me [stands up]:

my watch [passive aggressively]:
you did it

Parents be like “why aren’t you eating, don’t you like my food?” and after you eat a ton, they’ll say “you look a little chubby, maybe you should eat less.”

Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?

How do you milk an almond?

He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me

My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014

WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?

ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog

I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…

Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?

*loses one contact on way to gym, gets there to find my membership has expired*

Me: [one eye blinking uncontrollably] I guess I’ll come back after I renew.

Manager: *winking back* This workout is on me.

7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat

I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”

People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles

I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 😌💭

Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom

When a work project succeeds: “This was a group project. We all contributed and worked hard on it, and we all deserve credit. Yay team!”

When a work project fails: “That was Steve’s idea.”