Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
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Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.
Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.
* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.
Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.
Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*
Demon: *possesses me*
Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit
Demon: same time next week?
I love art.
wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him
me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six
puppy: holy shit
Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man
Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-
Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*
You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒
My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
do NOT joke about being single on Valentine’s Day when picking up a firearm from the store. they do not have a sense of humor
Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex
Guess for Halloween my 6yo is going as an Amazon package that was supposed to arrive last week
My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good
Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*
Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?