Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
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When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
I have to tell a client that the ship carrying her countertops is being held up by pirates and it is too early for this right now
*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*
Kid: But that means-
*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
[walking into a gym]
me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories
ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?
ME: Not murdering.
ATTORNEY: But where were you?
ME: {sweating} The not murder store.
H: “You’re walking funny”
me: I hurt myself in the hot tub
H: “Did you fall in?”
me: …
me: … sure.
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
My 18yo just gave me access to his private Twitter account. I’m not sure if I’m mortified or proud. I need 15 minutes and the Urban Dictionary.
Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.
No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.
The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.
Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.
#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
I told my therapist that I’m a whore. He disagreed and said I’m a people pleaser, so I blew him just to make sure we’re on the same page.
A fun thing to do is sit on the couch with black buttons over your eyes while your kids watch Coraline, then wait for them to notice.
Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.
[at the gym]
Trainer: “Why don’t you tell me what your workout goals are.”
Me: “Goals? I’m just here so I don’t eat for an hour.”
He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”
She: “Gnocchi dokey.”
#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes
[phone rings]
“Mr Hughes?”
“Yeah.”
“We need u to come pick yr son up from school.”
“Ugh. Whats he done now?”
“Nothing. Its nearly midnight.”
I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that
Summer break is cool because I won’t be alone for the next 2000 hours of my life but at least I won’t have to pack anyone a lunch.
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Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: (who is terrified of becoming a vampire) Hopefully in a mirror
it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way
Doctor: I’m afraid you have high blood pressure. I suggest cutting back on your sodium intake.
Me [sipping ramen broth out of a Starbucks cup]: Okay, explain to me what sodium is again.
I gave up going to work for lent.
The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy