Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

4 AM

BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there

No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.

Got banned for life from McDonald’s for asking the cashier if the Filet-O-Fish was made of Mc-Erel

I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too

I figured out how to eat rice cakes. You have to frost them and then dip them into marshmallow fluff. Diet food isn’t so bad.

Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown

Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-

Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!

I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter

[At home school reunion]

“And Sasha bought a new cat, her name is Mittens.”
“Mom I know, you told me yesterday.”

(Me, on my way in an Uber to a sexy party)

Uber Driver: Going to a party?
Me: Yes actually
Uber Driver: A family party?
Me: God I hope not

*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be

*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return

Let’s take a family bike ride in this beautiful weather so the kids can complain about family, bike rides, and beautiful weather that has no wifi.

“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.

STOP HONKING! IF I DRIVE ANY FASTER THE TINY LIZARD THAT HITCHED A RIDE ON MY HOOD IS GONNA FALL TO HIS DEATH. HAVE SOME COMPASSION, PEOPLE.

Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog

A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD

*pulls up to drive thru window

Hi yes, do you guys deliver?

Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping

The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.

NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.

I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.

What did YOU think I’m talking about?

Weirdos!!

Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.

9yo: My least favorite letter is “c” because it’s not fair that it can be an “s” or “k” sound.

Me:

9yo:

Me: Can I go back to sleep now?

When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly

Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well

OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases

Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)

*looking a gift horse in the mouth*

– British dentists

New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?

Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?