Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
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I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers
I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.
Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.
since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin
This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.
Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
[in the driveway]
It’s not sporty, but it looks efficient. How many miles per gallon do you get in this bad boy?
Pizza delivery boy (getting out of his Prius): …wuh?
[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
My kid saw everything that was going to be from Santa in my saved-for-later cart on Amazon, so now my options are to start Christmas shopping from scratch or to persuade my kid that Amazon works for Santa.
Don’t get angry…
…get pizza.
WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.
Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.
Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.
DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*
My kid comes into our room every night to sleep and he usually brings a comfort toy with him. Tonight he chose to bring a harmonica. I am losing my mind.
my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life
Someone: you’re the coolest person I know!
Me: Omg wowww!!!!
My mind: (they need to meet more people)
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
[MURDER TRIAL]
JUDGE: So in 27 years of marriage, you never knew your wife was allergic to salt?
MR.SLUG:[Into mic] That’s correct.
of course babies cry when flying, their entire understanding of planes centres around them being eaten
ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional
UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything
7yo: You can’t say that, you’ll go to hell and turn into a devil!
4yo: And I will still be cooler than you!
[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT
fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information
me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce
Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?