Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
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I’m not sure why this works, but it does. LMAO
“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”
Me:
[interview at Bass Pro Shops]
So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: *dressed in camouflage* Wait, you can see me?!
If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all
Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel
*years from now at my will reading*
Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”
My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??
Attorney: “… my meme collection.”
Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog… and it shows.
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
That’s easy for you to say
I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.
Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex
Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.
Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.
When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?
My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.
Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day
Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
Therapist: You’re not really improving
Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?
Therapist:
Me:
Therapist: well it’s worth a try
John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew
Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty
Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”
Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.
This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣
I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment
I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.
It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing