Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.

ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series

OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home

Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.

went for a walk, Very pleasant evening. the squirrels and rabbits kept running away from me. that stung a little. I will remember their faces

I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.

Why is no one talking about this?!

One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.

[First date]

Me: I’m gonna need to hear how you think the word “loser” is spelled.

Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.

Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*

Him: What’s funny?

Me: Nothing.

Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*

Me: Ha! Photo bombed!

Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣

My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.

If you start a sentence with “Let me reiterate…” I’m gonna ignore it the second time too.

Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.

Shit.

[spelling bee]

judge: your word is “redacted”

me: ████████

judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct

Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi

[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?

I decided to make the ultimate ice cream dessert today so I combined sea salt ice cream with sea salt chocolate, sea salt almonds and sea salt caramel. What did it taste like? Salt. It tasted like salt.

SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!

ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.

A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.

My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.

Please be delicate with me I’m built like a Nature Valley bar

[me as a cop]
Me: Mrs Hill?
Woman: yes
Me: it’s Ms Hill now
Woman: huh
Me: ur husbands dead
Woman: h-how?
Me [hand on her shoulder]: he died

My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.

OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.

Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”

Doctor: “…Oops.”

*slowly turns chart rightside up*

“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”

*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?

looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs

“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.

Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.

Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???