Someone just told me to tone it down a notch. So disrespectful. I don’t have notches. I’m analog. I’m continuous. We have smidgens. I’ll tone it down a smidgen.
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*Organizing closet*
Husband: Where do you want your wedding dress?
Me: Oh, just put it with the others.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9
[reading The Night Before Christmas]
son: what’s a kerchief?
daughter: what’s a clatter?
son: what’s a sash?
daughter: what are coursers?
son: what’s soot?
daughter: what’s a peddler?
son: what’s a thistle?
me: *closing book* Santa is fake. It’s all fake. Goodnight.
Based on the noise, my neighbors cars is stuck in the snow. If the aim of my potato gun is correct he’s gonna have a broken windshield too.
Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕
Spent 5 minutes enjoying the smoothest shave of my life before realizing I forgot to take the plastic cover off the razor.
I can’t stand fake people.
Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.
Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.
I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.
Very funny that the new Batman movies are rated PG-13 but the Penguin HBO series isn’t so in context it just looks like everyone is too polite to curse around Batman
I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.
Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-
Son: Dad please don’t…
Dad: Lawn gone.
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
*Rubs lamp*
*Nothing happens*
Where’s the genie?
*Takes off lampshade*
What’s wrong with this thing?
[Safari hunt]
(Ok don’t tell them I’m an elephant)
*Adjusts hat and shades*
“Elephant?. Yes that way.”
*Points with trunk*
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no
I was just doing a show, and I thanked the audience for coming out during the Game Of Thrones premiere, and one guy went: “Oh no! Oh shit!”
Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out
*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”
At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.
*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*
Waiter: *sets down check*
Me: my treat
Her: thank you so much
Me: *grabbing mint on check* for what
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
Very good! 👍😂
I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 🤔