Someone just told me to tone it down a notch. So disrespectful. I don’t have notches. I’m analog. I’m continuous. We have smidgens. I’ll tone it down a smidgen.
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Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
Alicia Keys: 🎶 I keep on fallin’ 🎵
Me: *strategically positions pillows around Alicia*
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.
CUSTOMER SERVICE: is there anything else i can do for you
ME: you’ve been very helpful, can i have your name
CS: sure, it’s janice
JANICE: thank you
: you’re welcome
*Trains lightning bugs to spell*
Karen, they have a message for u
WILL YOU M-
“Omg Yes!”
OVE OUT?
Oh good. Here I packed your bags already.
Me: I’m full of lust but I can’t perform in bed
Doctor: Do you struggle with the booze?
Me *looks at wife* the booing is bad but the slow clapping is just sarcastic
Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg out, Put
-spider hokey pokey
WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.
ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?
Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account
You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.
34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?
Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!
I asked my daughter to make me a Pinterest board of what she’d like to redecorate her room and I just opened it up to see nothing but a bunch of pictures of people holding fistfuls of cash
[Sirens]
Dude open the door!*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!
What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?
*flicks cigarette after a long drag*
Here’s the thi—
*coughs for like ten minutes straight bc I’ve never smoked before*
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex
Me: Man, I’m tired of hearing about politics.
The universe: Cool, here’s nothing but Taylor Swift.
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
*cough*
*checks Groupon for deals on exorcisms*
me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there
me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts
Received some very disappointing news today
mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro
Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.