A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.
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‘Twas the night before Christmas,
and everyone knew,you were still out shopping,
yes, it sucks to be you.
Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas
Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?
My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
why no one uses midhusbands
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”
Not sure why some white people use black slang when they have phrases like, “newsflash pal”
I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.
The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!
“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”
a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
there’s a pig in my mom’s neighborhood who escapes her home to roam the neighborhood every couple days and someone will hit their community fb page like “penelope is over here eating my tomatoes” and the owner will be like “god dammit i’ll be right there”
grandparents reading the obituaries is the original checking friends’ timelines to see what they’re up to
I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.
besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
rotate my tires? buddy, I rotate em all the time. that’s how the car gets places
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
When my friend broke up with her boyfriend, I was right there with donuts, telling her she was better off sans the idiot.
In a SURPRISING TURN OF EVENTS THAT NOBODY SAW COMING, they got back together and now I’m not welcome in their home.
Lesson learned. No donuts next time.
“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
Friend: What are you doing this weekend?
Me: Amusement Pork.
Friend: You mean Amusement Park?
Me: No, I don’t.
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?