Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents

I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up

5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?

Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born

5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool

I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.

[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.

Husband: I love everything about you.

Me: Even my toe hair?

H: What toe hair?

Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.

Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws

Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.

Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…

Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.

Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.

15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.

I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?

“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”

Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in

Introverted vegans go meetless

Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision

My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.

*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*

He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.

Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?

*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?

*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs

They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.

Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.

Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.

Johnny Depp’s wife of just over a year Filed for Divorce today…

With NO prenup…She is gonna get soooooo many bracelets.

My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you” her cards read “I made this f you”. I’d correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.

Me: I’d like to return this

Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room

Me: ya it sucks

Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.

Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”

Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing

Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?

CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint

This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.