Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”

Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!

Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.

The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months

[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car

JESUS: I shall turn water to wine

JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle

JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal

If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.

Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own

Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.

[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*

Must have been so hard for our ancestors to find out which mushrooms were edible and which weren’t. “Sure, the brown one was delicious but the orange one killed Steve so idk about that stew, Jeremy“

“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”

“Sir this is a Wendy’s”

You can’t outrun your problems…

Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.

He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.

Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆

If you’re asked, “What’s your biggest weakness” in a job interview, just be honest and say carbs.

“LOL, NOPE”

-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon

Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?

Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey

Exec: I dont think that works

Writer: Se-seven Monkeys

Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-

Writer: TWELVE monkeys

Exec: Now.. hold on a second.

the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something

Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”

I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.

me: i’m sorry i haven’t been on twitter much lately, my employer says i’m expendabl-

boss: *leans in and whispers*

me: essential. they say i’m essential.

yes, sharks can outswim you. but you can outrun sharks. so far in a triathlon you’re square. all comes down to who’s the faster cyclist

When someone asks me a question that I can tell is gonna turn a rude corner, I like to trap them with my Keep Going facial expression. Eyebrows lifted, face tilted, slight smile. And then I wait, ready with a pleasant Yikes.

Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.

When I was 4 my dad got pulled over and I screamed “I have to poop!!!” and the cop let my dad go. When he took me to the bathroom my dad couldn’t stop laughing after I told him I didn’t have to poop, just didn’t want him to get a ticket. Sure hope my kids return the favor

People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.

No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.