Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

7yo: Can I have some candy?
Me: No, not until after dinner.
7yo: Oh. *holds up empty candy wrapper* I accidentally snuck some.

She puts the hot in psychotic

Maybe jesus needs me in his life

We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.

I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”

My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.

All of these stories about missing campers.

Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.

probably my favorite breakup story is that i ended things with a guy who had two eggs in my fridge & he went to the fridge & got the two eggs, one in each hand, glared at me, and left.

[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]

Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts

My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.

It’s my birthday!

This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈

ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?

we shouldn’t call bad opinions “hot takes.” people like to be hot. they should be called something disgusting. tell people they “took a glumpy one”

the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire

having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you

unmuting at the end of a call just to say “nothing from my end, thanks”

I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.

She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.

If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.

Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.

The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.

I’m 50. All celebrity news looks like this:

‘CURTAINS FOR ZOOSHA? K-SMOG AND BATBOY CAUGHT FLIPPING A GRUNT’

Shopping with my 12 y/o daughter and she said she was done with the Christmas music at the stores already.

“You don’t trick-or-treat a week after Halloween. Time to move on, people.”

sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”

a haunted house but in every room someone is asking you to say a little something about yourself

Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.

Marriage Counsellor: …

I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good

I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.

Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.

This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.