Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No, autocorrect, switching “generics” to “gerbils” in the message I sent to my doctor without proofreading first was actually extremely helpful, thank you for that.

The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.

*concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s raining

Neil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no

Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.

I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.

Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.

At the bank and the teller asked the guy in front of me “how are you doing” and he took a deep breath and said “not great my cat f****ng hates me”

So it’s my turn and I go “that was the weirdest thing I’ve heard waiting in line here” and the teller says “I’ve met his cat. She does hate him.”
What is happening?

Male writers often compare women to dessert foods. E.g. ‘She had brown chocolate eyes and cherry red lips.’ Whereas, they tend to describe men using savoury foods. E.g. ‘His leg was like a massive baguette.”

Me: I am so tired and sad all the time.

Brain: Have you tried eating a lot of pasta, like A LOT?

[22 minutes later]

Me: That didn’t help at all and now I feel sick

Brain: Hm weird. Try again in like half an hour.

you’re damn right i have

You should be able to google why a couple broke up

Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.

“What’s this switch for?” he asked.

“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”

Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.

How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?

– my 8yo while doing one chore

According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8

[alternate universe]

cows on a road-trip: look a car!

Me: I didn’t get the job.
Wife: Why not?
M: Something about my eyesight.
W: What EXACTLY did they say?
M: That I needed ‘adult supervision’.

Peace was never an option

My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now

ME RETWEETING: l must cultivate only the most hilarious and inspiring jokes for my followers in these challenging times.

ME TWEETING: A chupacabra that played basketball would be a hoopacabra.

Good morning.

Me: I’ve gone my whole life without having any hearing problems.

Middle age: Hold my beer.

Me: What?

My dentist asked how school was and I said “great” because that’s much easier than “oh I actually dropped out because I’ve effectively monetized a twitter account where I numerically objectify dogs”

A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”

If you would have told 7 year old me that one day I’d be sneaking into people’s rooms to steal their teeth I’d have thought you were crazy.

Never share breakfast with a duck‼️

TWEET CALL

Thank you to 15k of you who followed me for one reason or another! Please share one tweet from you or a friend and please consider donating to this friend of mine. She is in a bad place and trying to get out, please share if you can ❤️

My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point

Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”