Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.

I checked.

HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?

ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?

“A wine please”

“Sir, this is McDonalds…”

“Okay, a McWine please”

I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.

Her: Wow, how’d you get that black eye?

Me: *thinks back to that husky raccoon lying in wait* BAR FIGHT

we did it. we made it through the 300 days of january. congratulations everyone

My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.

[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?

If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]

Then:
Me: I want McDonald’s

Mom: Do you have McDonald’s money?

Now:
Mom: I want grandkids

Me: Do you have grandkids money??

Facebook: see what my mom’s friends are up to

Instagram: see what my favorite celebrities are up to

Twitter: see what my fellow swamp demon hell spawn are up to

The evolutionary process has created crabs five independent times throughout the course of history. Humans are not the pinnacle of evolution. Evolution wants crabs.

Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie

You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet

wut hotdog?

“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol

LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes

Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.

ME, in my 20s: Bro, if you bring chips, make sure you get the “Scarlet Viper Ghost Dragon Habanero Pepper” flavor! Whooo!

ME, now: Excuse me, young man, do you carry “A Timid Suggestion of Chive” chips? I have a prescription from my gastroenterologist.

Date: These lamb chops are great

Me: They’re missing something

Date: Like what?

Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste

ME: my mouth is all itchy

HER: were you in the attic again?

ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?

HER: I’ll speed dial poison control

We thought our son was excited for us to attend Back-to-School night so we could meet his teacher…Turns out, his actual excitement was bc he couldn’t wait to show us the bathroom stall he had carefully chosen…“to do all the pooping in.”

As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like “damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler”

Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.

whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist

Them: Who is your favorite…

Me: My dog

Them: No, I wasn’t finished. I meant, who is your favorite…

Me: My dog

Hubby took the kids downstairs and is letting me sleep in! I’m so excit..never mind, I hear crying already. I think it’s my husband.

ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”

Normal people eating: *CRUNCH* *SLURP* *GULP* 🙂

Me eating: If I make any noise at all whilst eating people might judge me and I MIGHT DIE