Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I know I’m forgetting something…..I just can’t remember what it is.

*power shuts off, sitting in a dark room*

Me: *sips coffee* Nope. Nothing is coming to mind.

Turns out I’m awesome at meditation. The instructor said she normally spends a lot of time helping new students learn to empty their minds, but in my case that isn’t necessary.

Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?

My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.

I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.

My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips

{1st day as a correctional therapist}

Me: you need to free yourself from the prison-

Inmate: *excitedly unfolds escape plan*

Me: OF YOUR MIND

Inmate: *sadly folds escape plan*

I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.

Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken

Me: Why do you love me?

Wife: *shrugs*

Me: Why do you find me annoying?

Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*

I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks

When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.

there was actually a 13th apostle, but not a lot of people know about him, because he was looking for a fork he’d dropped under the table right as leonardo painted that picture

If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out

My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums

I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes

In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.

until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist

getting groceries

Dentist: Ok, I’m going to start drilling.
“Wait! What if I have to poop?”
D: Then you should go now.
*awkward pause*
“Thanks I feel better.”

Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.

Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.

British people be like I’m Bri ish

STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?

TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.

STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.

Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!

*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*

ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.

I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.

Cashier: Big weekend plans?

Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.

Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome

Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”

I think about that a lot