Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
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restaurant
Waiter: Your coffeeMe: Could I have a little spoon please?
Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*Me: lovely
me, at burger king: before we begin this transaction i would like to introduce you to my hamburger advisor
cashier: okay, what would you like to order?
my hamburger advisor: {whispers to me before turning to the cashier} we would like to see the hamburger first
A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground
It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.
My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
[1st day as judge]
Murderer: [waves at me]
Me [waves back]: He seems nice
Lawyer: He killed six people
Me: He probably didn’t mean it
I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.
Psssst.
Hey you,
Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it
Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.
I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car
Me: AI, how many fingers am I holding up?
AI: 17.
Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian
[at the aquarium]
Son, pointing at large tank: daddy what’s that?
Me: that’s a tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
me: hey, cute dog, what’s his name
guy w/ dog: Robert
me: Robert
guy: yeah
me: [grabs him by shirt] wtf is wrong with you
[father and son riding bikes together]
dad, how’d you get so good?
[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs
Monday
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza
People refuse to believe you when they ask what you do for fun and you say “sit quietly at home.”
They’re like, “haha, no, if you can do anything!”
Like, yeah dude, this conversation is what’s preventing me from living my dream. As soon as we’re done, guess what I’m gonna do?
Star Trek almost inventing the cellphone
ST Writer: Why would he give up his communicator when he was back on the ship? Why wouldn’t he keep it all the time so he could talk to anyone from anywhere at any time?
ST Head Writer: That’s just stupid.
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes
I’m going to call it Pungent
I thought that raisin on the floor was a bug and then I thought that’s gross, someone brought raisins in my house.
Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*
[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking