Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.

if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am

Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.

if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected

If I was in charge of SWAT I’d change the name to the “Special Weapons And Grenades” team just so police would have to radio in for SWAG

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
“No, no his nose was a bit more avant-garde than that. His eyes suggested he’d lost a ladder.”

“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”

You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in

Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.

A good woman is like home WiFi: Full of knowledge. Always there for you. Used by your roommate WHEN YOU’RE NOT THERE THAT’S RIGHT AMY I KNOW

Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?

Roman: Just the one, thanks

[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie

me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish

health inspector: so you see why this is happening

Me too door. Me too.

The vaccine is amazing, but it will not make you magnetic. The only way to get magnetized is to stand at the top of a lighthouse wearing a mysterious amulet during an eclipse

meeting mom’s new boyfriend for the first time and I’ll be looking for the first possible opportunity to scream “UR NOT MY REAL DAD” then slam a door

“But it’s my only vice” I say to myself as I do my 13th unhealthy thing for the day

Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.

I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”

Now, I’m blocked.

I was bullied by a cheerleader in high school and she used to tan every day so I stayed out the sun for 34 years and now I look 10 years younger than she does. WHO’S CHEERING NOW BRITTNI?

My daughter asked me if I’d be very upset if she didn’t live with me when she’s a grownup so I told her I’d try my best once I stopped laughing

The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.

Personal trainer: What’s your goal?
Me :To pet all the dogs…
Trainer:No your fitness goal
Me: To run fast enough to pet all the dogs

my boss: “keith you have 17 outstanding timesheets”
me: “they can’t be that good i haven’t done one in weeks”

Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.

*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”

AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.

Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.

In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.

Work from home? I don’t even work from work.

[Pet Store]
Clerk: Ma’am what can I help you with today?
Me: hi I’d like to buy this line
C: You mean snake?
M: Yes your largest worm please

[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself

I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.

She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video