Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”

I love how my 4yo takes the time to stop what she’s doing to give me advice whenever I’m struggling, “maybe next time take the bread out of the oven before it burns.” That’s a good point, thanks.

Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.

My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have anything less than a $20 bill.

This is not the motherhood I envisioned.

“Can someone call me a doctor?!”

You’re a doctor.

“Please I’m losing my patience!”

You’re a terrible doctor.

“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.

Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it

If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.

My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.

I have a pair of furry slippers. I call them shoebaccas. My wife says this is why I have no friends.

Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken

Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.

Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.

[at funeral]
“my phone is vibrating”
want me to create a distraction so you can answer it?
“no, are you craz-
*points at casket* HE BLINKED

A realistic Godzilla movie would be 2 cats defeating him by tripping him and purring on his legs while he’s trying to walk down a mountain.

Dad: It’s atomic number is 26. Oh, and it’s chemical symbol is FE

Son: Wow! How do you know so much about iron?

Dad: Well it’s in my blood

Being a parent to a preteen daughter is fun bc sometimes they’re mad at you for not letting them get a phone but other times they’re even more mad at you for not…[checks notes]…letting them get a pet venomous snake

The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.

When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.

Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday

me: WHEN IS THAT

Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.

me: my friends:

My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.

I’ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don’t have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.

Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.

Today it’s going to be really important that you listen well because we have to take a plane, train, and subway—

7yo: did you know if you spin in a circle really fast like this you fall down?

I hate hotel bath towels.
So thick and fluffy I can’t even close my suitcase!!

Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?

[being murdered]
Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher
Murderer: …yes
Me: and you didnt empty it
Murderer:
[murder roles reverse]

Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?

Dj: Yes.

M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.