Someone left an anonymous love note on my daughter’s desk and the first thing she did was put it in a ziploc baggie so she can get DNA and fingerprints
You Might Also Like
Why is Gorgeous the only thing you can be Drop-Dead. I wanna be drop-dead silly. Let my enemies crumble before me, overcome by the depths of my whimsy
I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”
not seeing the problem
[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]
ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.
One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.
A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.
they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter
When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies
Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy
With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.
how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider
Just got a call from the vet to schedule my dog for her shots. I asked for an estimate and they transferred me over to their lending department.
“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?
cop: licence and registration
[out in public]
12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?
me: [showing him he’s wrong]
12: now you look like an idiot
me: i hate kids man.
[Outside ER]
Cop: “Sir, can you describe the vehicle that struck you?”
Me: “Absolutely. It was some kind of horseless carriage. A roaring metallic dragon with wheels instead of legs, with bright skin shimmering in the sunlight, passing foul vapors out its rear.”
Me: Sorry, I don’t have any alcohol in the house.
Her: Oh, you don’t drink?
Me: No, I drink. I just drink faster than other people…
If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.
I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”
The Purge, but instead of 24 hrs of killing whoever we want, we get to tell our friends that we really think the person they’re dating is trash without consequences.
Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
Dear Televised Sports Injury,
We saw it the first time.
Thanks.
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
“NOAH. YOU WILL BUILD AN ARK”
k
“NOT “K” THIS IS IMPORTANT”
Sorry
“THATS OK. TAKE 2 OF EVERY ANIMAL ON IT”
Even fish?
*THUNDER*
“NO NOT FISH
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found