Someone left an anonymous love note on my daughter’s desk and the first thing she did was put it in a ziploc baggie so she can get DNA and fingerprints
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I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.
Tried to sneakily put my 5-year-old to bed an hour early because I was exhausted, figuring I could get away with it because it was cloudy and dark outside. Little dude looked me dead in the eye and, “Alexa, what time is it?”
Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend
4-year-old: What’s that?
Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.
*eats her bacon*
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.
[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)
THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?
ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy
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I don’t wish mean people any harm but maybe they would be happier if they moved to that nice farm my parents took my dog to when I was 5.
John: There are places…
Paul: I remember
George: All my life, though…
Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you
Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!
Him: You need to be more active in your community.
My Community: NOOOOO!!!!
A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.
As we were driving passed a prison on vacation my 12 year old nephew lamented, “aww, I’ve never gotten to see the inside of a real jail.” I deadpanned, “It’ll happen, Sean, just give it a few years.” Y’all, my 7 year old erupted in laughter and explained the insult & I’m just 😭
windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol
OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases
Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass
I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?
[pearly gates]
Pete:
Me:
Pete:
Me: was it my browser history?
Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..
that.
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”
Alexa, make out with the Roomba