Someone left an anonymous love note on my daughter’s desk and the first thing she did was put it in a ziploc baggie so she can get DNA and fingerprints
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If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”
My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.
There’s a doctor here to see you.
Doctor who?
No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices
Me: Does that include salt and pepper?
KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?
Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”
I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
COWORKER: Thanks for your help on that project. You’re a peach!
ME: I am a peach! I’m round, I’m fuzzy, and according to my urologist, I have a HUGE stone inside me!
I hate when that happens.
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that
There are four little girls fighting in my house right now because they all want to play family, but nobody wants to be the mom. I’ve never felt so seen.
Sometimes I need a break from myself but it’s like ugh everywhere I go there I am.
When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.
Actor: How would you rate my ability to take direction?
Director: Below average.
Actor: *bellows* AVERAGE!!!
An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
[texting]
Me: I’m over IT.
Friend: Over what?
Me: You know…IT.
Friend: IT is a pronoun that could mean anything.
Me: IT as in Information Technology.
Friend: You CAN’T be over that.
[1 week later]
Me, via handwritten letter: Well, I am.
Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.
I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.
An Asian guy named Glenn?
Please
Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus
Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.
If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.