Someone left an anonymous love note on my daughter’s desk and the first thing she did was put it in a ziploc baggie so she can get DNA and fingerprints
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Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
HOT KRAFT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA CAN’T WAIT TO BE MELTED BETWEEN TWO SLICES OF BREAD!!!
If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process
I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
Black Mirror S05E01
January 20, 2021:
[fade in on TV set]
President-elect Kanye walks onstage, nods to V.P. Kanye, and places hand on a Bible held by Judge Kanye.
[cut to]
Kanye, arm around Kanye, turns off TV, tosses remote, and leans over to pet Kanye, who wags his tail.
“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”
So true for me
I’ve left my past behind me so if I owe you money sorry I’ve left it behind me
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”
Me: Craig is missing? Oh…no
Cop: We found a diffuser on his desk with chloroform in it.
Me: He was stressed
Cop: There was a bottle of it in your desk
Me: I was stressed
Cop: What about the list titled “steps to get Craig in my basement”
Me: Could be anyone…
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.
Daughter: we’re both wearing vests again!
Me: that makes us vest friends!
Daughter: vest friends forever!
Me:
Daughter:
Me: HAHAHAHA!
Daughter: HAHAHAHA!
Wife: did you buy those just so you can make that joke with her?
Me: i’m invested in our relationship : )
I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.
Ticket Clerk: Enjoy the film!
Me: U too!
TC: Really? You’ll take me with u?
Me: I didn’t mean..
TC: Oh, I see
Me: I’m sor
TC: [sobs] JUST GO
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
Got into a big fight with my toddler over what powers trains. I said electricity but he insisted it’s carrots. Carrots running trains is literally the hill he’ll die on.
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
I should have used more oils to get this off easier..
I’m trying to jerk it off but it won’t come.
Honey, dinner is stuck to the pan.
ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*
FRIEND: Is that… pudding?
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants
If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.
MMORPG NPCs will be like “My wife was killed by wild boars, help me avenge her!” despite the fact there are like 10,000+ priests and clerics running around who can literally resurrect people at any given time.
[reading Harry Potter]
Me: Do you know what’s going on?
3-year-old: He went to lizard school.
I’d correct her, but her version is better.