Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[blind date]

HIM: so Paul says that you’re a real charmer *smiles*

ME:*whips out three snakes from my bag and a flute* you bet i am

Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”

would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this

Her: See ya later alligator!

Me: *slithers into swamp*

Him: Don’t get your panties in a bunch.

Me: It’s called a bulk pack, Todd. That’s how Costco sells them.

Meth is short for Elizameth.

shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend

My life in a nutshell

My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.

wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote

Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……

but cannibals are the real humanitarians.

[breakfast]

Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.

Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.

what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex

BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.

I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it

– me, plugging in a USB

The outskirts implies the existence of the inpants.

Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop

Friend: *finger guns*

Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no

Me: what are we doing today

Trainer: let work on your forearms.

Me: but I only have 2

T: What?!?

Me: *whispers* I only have 2?

I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”

if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.

Biden: I wanna join the protest.
Obama: Joe, we’ve been over this.
Biden: But they’re–
Obama: How about some ice cream?
.
.
.
Biden: Okay.

GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?

“Hygiene”

SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.

You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.

first world problems

I could really use hands-free web browsing.

I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming

My boss calls me “The computer”

Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.

Me: I prefer the natural look

Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products

*At the Canadian Citizenship Exam*

Proctor: Your exam begins now and you have 1 hour to complete —

Me: *jumps out of desk and begins guzzling bottles of maple syrup* How many do I have to finish in an hour to pass?