Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong

Me, writing: I must get the description of this wrought-iron fence that I remember from my childhood exactly right, down to the bumps and bubbles in the many coats of paint., no matter how long it takes.

Me, editing: *deletes three pages of description; inserts “a fence”*

Being a mother is truly a gift. My son surprised me by stopping in to visit yesterday. Last night when I went to watch TV, I no longer had one.

I’ve licked my tip many times and sometimes it leaves a blue, red and sometimes green mark on my tongue, I mean we’ve all had those multicoloured pens before……

If you enjoy kazoo music at 7am, I would recommend having children.

*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*

Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!

My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.

Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?

Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?

A wise Chinese man once said,

“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”

Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!

[Casino]

Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards

“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.

Them: Our system thinks you might be a robot!
Me: Okay, cool can I just pay my electric bill anyway though?

A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”

I could have died and those would have been my last words

Googles ‘why everyone hates self-made rich geniuses’

My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.

Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂

If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.

check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad

The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.

First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.

ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*

BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”

Bees might live longer if they repelled people by handing out religious pamphlets instead of the old sting and die approach.

nurse: how do you rate ur pain

me: zero stars

nurse:

me: would not recommend

As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts

Grabs intercom:

ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO JOIN MY MILITIA, STAY HERE! WE ARE GOING TO OCCUPY THIS OLIVE GARDEN UNTIL I GET MORE BREADSTICKS

[first day in gang]

LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart

ME: oh i am

LEADER: prove it

ME: *names every street in city*

LEADER: holy shit

Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*

Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?

Woman approaches me as I’m putting groceries in my car: Excuse me

Me: *concerned because she looks shellshocked* Are you okay?

W: Um I’m visiting, not local. *looking at her phone* This CAN’T be right. It says the NEAREST Starbucks is 58 miles?

Me: *laughing* Yep

W: OMG noooo

(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions