@Drewskieeee

Someone made up dinosaur sounds without ever hearing them

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@sixthformpoet

A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.

@lovstructionist

Football Team: Huddle up!

Me: Mm, this is nice

FT: Who are you

Me: So warm, so snug

FT: Break. Break now!

Me: Don’t go nice man-castle

@DanMentos

*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?

@HansGrubertron

[Swiss bank]

ME: I’d like to take out a loan

CASHIER: Okay, what kind?

ME: A tober

CASHIER: what?

ME: A toberloan

CASHIER: Are you trying to say Toblerone?

ME: …toberloan

@Cpin42

[whispering to crying baby] You have no idea

@kelkulus

Fun Christmas Trivia: “Myrrh” is the awkward sound you make when you look at your bank balance on Dec 26th.

@EZ_G

Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.

@catstronomical

ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change

ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun