A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
Someone made up dinosaur sounds without ever hearing them
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Football Team: Huddle up!
Me: Mm, this is nice
FT: Who are you
Me: So warm, so snug
FT: Break. Break now!
Me: Don’t go nice man-castle
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
ME: I’d like to take out a loan
CASHIER: Okay, what kind?
ME: A tober
ME: A toberloan
CASHIER: Are you trying to say Toblerone?
[whispering to crying baby] You have no idea
Fun Christmas Trivia: “Myrrh” is the awkward sound you make when you look at your bank balance on Dec 26th.
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
Does anyone ever spiral into control?
ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun