Someone made up dinosaur sounds without ever hearing them

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A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.


Football Team: Huddle up!

Me: Mm, this is nice

FT: Who are you

Me: So warm, so snug

FT: Break. Break now!

Me: Don’t go nice man-castle


*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?


[Swiss bank]

ME: I’d like to take out a loan

CASHIER: Okay, what kind?

ME: A tober

CASHIER: what?

ME: A toberloan

CASHIER: Are you trying to say Toblerone?

ME: …toberloan


[whispering to crying baby] You have no idea


Fun Christmas Trivia: “Myrrh” is the awkward sound you make when you look at your bank balance on Dec 26th.


Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.


ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change

ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun