someone mentioned that the divorce rate is around 50% which is terrifying, cause the idea that I still have a 50% chance of being stuck with the same person forever scares the shit out of me
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HER: NNNNNNNN
ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
HER: ZZZZZZZZ
My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.
Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:
-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
[crime scene]
•detective flips open pocket watch•
Hmmm…precisely what I thought
“What’s that sir”
•closes watch•
It’s lunch time
[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*
“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”
*Gas station attendant nods*
“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”
date: I’m really into dark humor
me, turning off the lights:
wanna hear a joke
i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”
Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean
Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.
“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice
waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water
10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*
You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”
‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
I got IDd last night, but as I was rummaging around in my purse for my ID, the dude saw my checkbook and said “nevermind” 😭😒🤣 FIRST OF ALL