someone mentioned that the divorce rate is around 50% which is terrifying, cause the idea that I still have a 50% chance of being stuck with the same person forever scares the shit out of me
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[hospital]
Me: this knee surgery will be a breeze!
Nurse: you have a great attitude!
Me: well even my blood type is B Positive : )
Nurse: aw : )
[funeral]
My Widow: his blood type was not B Positive.
Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?
This one’s “Alex”.
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
on Friday I was working from home and I didn’t want to talk during a meeting so I disconnected my wifi to pretend I was having connection problems but I forgot I was the guy sharing my screen so everybody saw me do it
[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going
Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”
“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions
speaking in tongues is a great way to quickly end a bad first date
How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.
These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.
IDEA: an app that tells you where that bruise came from.
So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”
…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”
Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???
I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT
A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.