someone mentioned that the divorce rate is around 50% which is terrifying, cause the idea that I still have a 50% chance of being stuck with the same person forever scares the shit out of me
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When I was a kid, I got mad at my brother and told him people whose names start with J don’t go to heaven, and my mom just looked at me and said, “Jesus”.
[dies and goes to hell]
Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake
Me: oh thank god-
Satan: you should be in super hell
Me: oh no
Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
When one door closes, another kid will open it and air condition the whole darn neighborhood.
BRITISH PERSON: cheerio
AMERICAN: cheerio cream filled deep fried flamin hot donut burger
This is war. The Boys tv show stole my joke about a TSA agent named Pat Magroin
one thing I really like about competitive horse riding is that horses, more often than not, are assholes. love them! be an asshole! you’re a horse!
If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?
Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
I’ve had my heart broken before, but I got back up on that horse and said “C’mon, can’t we give us one more chance? Stomp once for yes.”
Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic
Store policy: You break it you buy it.
Cat policy: you by it you break it.
[ping pong]
ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.
The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.
Here in the South, we don’t consider a cookout successful unless there’s an ambulance involved.
My friend’s DoorDash was stolen by a raccoon right after the same thing happened in Florida and I think we might have an orca situation going on here.
A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
ME:
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
ME:
WIFE: 3½ kilos
ME:
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool
The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.
Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.
me: i can handle my alcohol
5 shots later: *in the shower on all 4s pretending i’m a bear catching fish
Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.