someone my age is hot and a successful assassin and I am making powerpoint presentation
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Teen [fixing his hair in the mirror]: mum I think I have like, a natural perm? Is that a thing?
Me: yeahhh… it’s called curly hair
The guy at the party who casually pukes on your ficus plant and keeps on talking without missing a beat is not the one you should worry about.
catch me on valentine’s day like
My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy
The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat
Work IT Tech: Oh, you’re just gonna need an HDMI cable for that. Do you need me to send you one?
Me: No, no, I’ve been waiting for this moment* for a long time
*pulling out the big tub of cords in the garage
My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.
Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy
Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.
A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄
Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS
Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don’t know the answers to like “Was another parent there” and “how long will she be there” and “which park” and “why can’t you remember which park”
Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?
ME: Please don’t make me do this.
WIFE: We have no choice, we’re behind on the mortgage.
ME: Hey, Kevin, can we borrow $2000?
MY 11-YEAR OLD SON WHO MAKES $40k A MONTH PLAYING DOTA 2: Who’s Kevin?
ME: (sigh) Hey, DongKnocker420Yeeeeet, can we borrow $2000?
I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to
Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening
(first day as a bartender)
customer: fifth of scotch.
me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.
Hey whatcha eating?
“A pluot”
Wtf is a pluot?
“A cross between a plum & an apricot”
That’s really stupid.
*rides off on a liger*
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a bilingual journalist to help, are they?
Flight attendant: We need a Spanish translator
Me: *puts book down*
ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?
HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops
A work friend’s daughter is getting married and she asked me to help plan a potato bar for the reception. I did it. I’m a potato planner. I can die now. This is the reason I was born.
*Sees a bum eating out of the trash*
That’s so disgusting. I don’t know how they do that.
*pulls turkey leg out of my hair & takes a bite*
pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest
me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x
pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here
me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands
When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.