someone my age is hot and a successful assassin and I am making powerpoint presentation
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A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.
Her: “How is it possible for anyone to be an idiot all the freakin time!” Me: “I know, I’m completely exhausted.”
My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING
“Keep pouring, Ann. You’re not gonna BELIEVE what your dog did today.”
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.
[long ago]
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
A: Where?
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon
[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.
M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you
My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant
There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.
Gin and tonic is weird, sometimes I need a lime wedge and sometimes I need to tell everyone what’s on my mind and then pass out.
When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?
Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
[Retirement party]
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…
NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.
ME: Oh that makes much more sense.
[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]
Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
Bro is the definition of a new yorker 😭 😭
[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*
Me: oh shit
Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*
[From Basement]: Oh shit
I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.
Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.
“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?
Some time last year, I accidentally splashed pothole water onto a lady on a rainy day. When I stopped to apologise, the lady immediately ran away! I’m still wondering why
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.