Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–

I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?

Hostage: *screaming*

Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!

Me: *still trying to find the end of the tape on the roll*

My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.

I read this article that said your heartbeat will try to synch up with your music, which makes it sound like if someone’s suffering a cardiac arrest you could just put on some death metal and crank it

My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?

*(whispering)they’re both the same

I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.

Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.

It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.

HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan

Him [angrily]: You borrowed my car and it’s a mess. McDonald’s wrappers, fries on the floor…
Me: Let me stop you right there, because first of all, I never TOUCH McDonald’s. It’s Wendy’s.

Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…

If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.

I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.

If he:

-Changes his entire look for you
-Travels 1,900 miles upstream to chase you
-Procreates and dies
-Replenishes an entire ecosystem with his carcass

He’s not your valentine, he’s a Chinook salmon

My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”

Microsoft: “Press any key to continue.”

Also Microsoft: “Well, except THAT one.”

I noticed my mouse problem is back an I yelled at my cats for being lazy and not doing their job like I was in a Tom and Jerry cartoon

being in your 30s would be so fun if you didnt wake up each morning with neck pain that suggests you slept hanging upside down like a bat

him: *walking into the kitchen* don’t you feel guilty eating Nutella right out of the jar?

me: *licking the spoon* only if I can’t finish the jar

*feels painful possible cavity*

*eats chocolate to feel better*

Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.

*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant

[pulled over by cop]

COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?

MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]

My son told me he came downstairs after we tucked him in last night and he heard “gorilla sounds” coming from our bedroom. I never thought we’d have ‘the talk’ this soon, but I sat him down and told him about irritable bowel syndrome.

Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E

Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp

Me: Can we talk?

Carmen: *hot gluing fruit to a plate and placing it on her head* This is my Samba hat.

Me: Pretty. Look, I’m really worried about you.

My leg-lengthening surgery was a success, but I accidentally spent the last three months turning the screws the wrong way, and now I’m 3’ 4”.

Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.