Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.
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MAN: What are you doing?
ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing
MAN: No way will-
SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]
You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise
Just tried to put my seatbelt on.
AT MY DESK.
I’m pretty.
Delivery Instructions: “Please, deliver the pizza like normal, but as you walk back to your car, slowly turn back and say, ‘Hey kid! You did alright out there tonight. Your father would have been proud’.”
How many syllables does the word “Gloria” have?
CATHOLICS: 18
At the motel:
Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..
Me: I’d like a wakeup call.
FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.
Panda: am I too pudgy?
God: I have a better question.
Panda: ok.
God: what’s black and white and red all over?
Panda: I don’t know.
God: it’s you.
Panda: b-but I’m not red.
God: [leans in] you’re perfect just the way you are.
Panda: [blushing].
[interview]
“How would you describe your people skills?”
ME: I tend to drive others away.
“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!
Me: You ate all your chips.
3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.
Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.
First date:
*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*
Her: So, what do you do for a liv-
*bites her in half*
Girlfriend: Did you get all the dishes?
Her (actual) boyfriend: I think so
Me: *from the bushes outside* You missed a cup, Todd
I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.
It was the best of times, it was the election year of times.
On the face of it alcohol is so funny – you can take a potion that makes you so good at driving the government has to make it illegal
[hell]
Satan: this is our library
Me: cool i love reading
Satan: we only have the twilight series
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
Me: How long should I roast asparagus in the oven?
Food Blogger: Wondering how long to roast asparagus? C’mere! I’ve got your answer!
Me: Cool! Thank-
Food Blogger: I was born on a farm in Tennessee. My father was an angry man with 3 fingers on each hand. A war injury…
I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.
when i worked in an office i had an ’emergency google sheet’ that i kept open in a tab all day and if my boss walked by i’d switch to it from twitter and enter 69s and 420s in its cells with a look of great seriousness on my face
I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.
My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship
So I said I wanted a divorce
Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.
HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.
Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.
I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.