Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.
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Interviewer: So tell me more about yourself.
Me: *can’t remember a single thing I’ve done in my entire life, ever*
Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.
*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don’t.
Me:
Wife:
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.
*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.
What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.
me: I brought a note from my doctor
dungeon master: that’s not… look, your character has to battle
It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
You don’t scare me, you’re not a group of middle schoolers I have to walk past
9: Can I rent an otter?
Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now
upon my death:
1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case
Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
[doing crossword]
Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks
Never be a pizza!
Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?
Me: Why would I want another empty glass?
[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on
Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul
Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please
COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
[first day at pet store]
me: you want this boxed?
her: you can’t box a goldfish
me: [lacing up gloves] watch me
If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.
There is never a wrong time to tell someone you love them
except maybe during their wedding to someone else or during a mountain rescue attempt where they really need to focus.
I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!
Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?
Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.