Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.

Me: It’s just really upsetting that people just assume my dialogue tweets are just jokes and didn’t really happen, you know?

The Pope: Yeah I feel that dude

Barry?
Yes Joe
Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we’d eat at the Pizza Hut in France
No Joe
*Biden slams fist*
THIS IS BULLSHIT

Imagine if last names were invented now, so instead of “Smith” and “Baker,” we had “Frontenddeveloper” and “Socialmediaconsultant.”

Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs

INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”

ME: That’s correct.

I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.

M: And?

My key takeaway from Ghostbusters was that once you’re dead, your Miranda rights don’t count for shit.

Me: The door’s locked

Salt: Push it

Me: It’s locked

Pepa: Push it

Me: That won’t work, think of something else

Salt:

Pepa:

Salt:

Pepa:

Both: Push it real good?

The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.

Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …

Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!

Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]

I like big rolls of toilet paper. Mega roll? Not good enough. I want the roll to protrude into the next room. I want there to be a danger I may become trapped beneath it. I want two burly men in herringbone driver’s caps to wrestle the new roll into place twice a year

Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower

I used to do hundreds of press-ups a day when I was a lift attendant.

Imagine being reincarnated as grass?

Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.

I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.

On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.

I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality

Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password

Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)

The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.

What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?

*7 yr old talks about red dwarfs and neutron stars for 40 minutes straight*

My mom: Wow, that’s amazing. So are you going to be an astronaut when you grow up?

7, incredulously: No, I’m going to be a ninja.

my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire

Neighbor: My daughter is in Pre-K.
Me: So she’s in J?

“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.

I meant to type “I look forward to seeing you soon.” Unfortunately, one of our biggest clients is going to receive an email that ends with “I look forward to seeing you poop.”

her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours

JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*

a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans

Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.

How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam

Santa Clause slides down the chimney of his cabin. He turns to Mrs. Clause

“The hell is that?”
I had a door installed
“The hell is a door?”

If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.