Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.
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Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler
FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for reenacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe stop playing “Unchained Melody” on the loud speaker and we won’t keep having this problem
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.
The first generation gentle parent in me resisting the urge to say ‘that’s what happens when you don’t pick up your shit’ when my kid falls over a toy.
Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.
*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*
I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.
Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.
if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night
Onion rings.
What sounds do other vegetables make?
This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
It’s not really family vacation until everyone is crying because of sun poisoning, you’ve lost at least 3 bikini tops in the ocean, and your spouse is just staring off into nowhere regretting all decisions that led up to this point in life
Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball
My daughter said “daddy we are not friends with Brooklyn because she said I dress weird”
No questions asked now I got beef with a 4 y/o named Brooklyn and her father.
I dont make the rules to this gang shit. I just play my role.
Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.
*gets into canoe*
Guide: Ok, everyone grab an oar!
*gets out of canoe*
T-REX *runs past me*
ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush
T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first
My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers
Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!
Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries
In the 17th century, villagers would burn down entire neighborhoods to combat diseases such as bubonic plague, typhus, and gluten.
4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.
Top 5 forms of torture
5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*
Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.