Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
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My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine
Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
crying at my desk while also finding time to cry in the shower makes for a healthy work-life balance
ME: how much for the Oompa Loompas?
HER: what? they’re not for sale!
ME: this is preposterous
HER: no, this is a daycare
My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…
My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
Just got my first HOA slap on the wrist and now I want to take pictures of everything my neighbors are doing wrong. This is how wars start.
I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.
[Job interview]
Me: I can always anticipate what people are going to say next
Interviewer: And what would you say is your greatest streng- oh holy shit
me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot
date: what kind of books?
me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones
I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
why would tinder want me to say this
Hell is just you and your dog as he takes revenge for all the times you shouted “Squirrel!” when there was no squirrel.
A poet once gave
a pigeon helium, and
invented high coo.
I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3
How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.
Actually cracking up @ this
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.
My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?
Toddlers & Ghosts
-haunt you at all hours
-lots of moaning/screaming
-unclear motives
-not helpful with housework
-randomly open cupboards