Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score

[first date]

HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?

ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.

HER:

A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.

It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.

I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….

Hahahaha just kidding

I look great naked

I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.

Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.

But it’s more likely a sociopath.

~Inspirational

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All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.

… and for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.

* Dentist is singing along to a Maroon 5 song as he’s drilling in my mouth.

Me: (holds up finger to pause)
Can you turn that up?

Dentist: The music?

Me: No. The drill.

Dentist:

people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service

friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.

My granddaughter is spending the night. Before she fell asleep she kept saying, “I miss my mom. I want my mom.” I said, “We’ll see her tomorrow. Besides, I’m your mom’s mom.” She said, “Well, I’d like to see your daughter.” 😂😂😂

I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.

a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”

Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something

Ouija board: s o m e t-

Wife: that’s him

This one’s “Alex”.

I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward

My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.

just got CPR certified if yall know anyone dead or dying tell them hml

The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.

GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro

an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me

Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?

Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?

I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.

My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.

Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.

[1st day as a detective]

me: a vampire did it

partner: sorry?

me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire

partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-

me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants

In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.