Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
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Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.
Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
What Bob, you’re interrupting.
if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.
Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.
If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”
Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.
Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
Do people who pay $20 for corn mazes know that you can go get lost in Ikea for only the price of three days of meatballs?
“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.
Friend: I’m not trying to butt heads with you, but…
Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!
HR gave me some amazing advice for dealing with stress. It really works. To release anger, just write letters to the people you hate then burn them. Not sure what you do with the letters though.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a parapsychologist.
Me: Cool! Is it difficult talking people into jumping out of planes?
A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.
Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.
I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security
[Giving directions in America]
Go two blocks down and take a left on 4th
[Directions in England]
Go down this road, past the big tree, over the bridge throwing a snack to the troll, dodge the wizard and it’s right there on the edge of the magical forest
My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy
I’m just glad DoorDash doesn’t do a wrap-up of my year like Spotify does.
Do you think if I jump I’ll glide down?
-My 5yo, standing on the counter holding an umbrella, about to learn an important physics lesson
[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]
me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire