Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
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Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.
No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂
*later to thugs* They know too much.
me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003
[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary
Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.
Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all
GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this
CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
Normal Person (being inconvenienced): I deserve better than this
Me (being stabbed w/swords): I’m so sorry for getting blood on your swords
one day you’re going to see a post that says “you know you’re old if you know what this is” and it’s going to be a wordle score
-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.
do you know how lucky we are that skunks are generally reasonable
I think ya’ll would be shooketh to know my name isn’t really SingleBabyMama.
First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count
how come some families are all, like, “our ancestry can be traced back to some of the most important people who ever walked the earth,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle chet.”
“It’s beautiful today. Let’s work outside.”
*5 mins later*
“This was a terrible idea.”
*more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*
“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”
-Netflix.
Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!
Criminal: Get outta my—
Rookie: STOP TALKING
Two robbers were robbing a liquor store when one robber grabs a bottle and asks the other robber “is this whiskey?”
The other says “yeah but not as whiskey as wobbing a bank”.
Meeting with a realtor to sell my moms house:
Realtor: What’s best about this area?
Mom: My sisters are close by.
Realtor: I meant, why would someone want to live here?
Mom: It’s better than being homeless.
Realtor:
Mom: And my sisters are really nice.
[Text]
18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!
Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”
[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.
Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic
Me: Honey, where do we keep those legally binding documents our marriage is based on?
Her: You mean the mortgage papers?
Me: Yep those ones
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda