Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.
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If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
I might start telling people I’m 10 years older than I actually am just so they can tell me how great I look for my age.
[in the insect dissection room]
Your fly is open.
Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.
Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??
I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.
when a toddler tells a story
babe wake up, the chili discourse on Twitter has an update. someone made a deranged 30 tweet thread about carrots being in the chili despite there being no carro- babe no, babe stay awake, babe plea-
Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.
If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”
The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:
Omelet Easydozen
Florentine Pepperbatter
me: mind if I have a look around
guy in port-a-potty: yes
My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.
I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.
Me: I hate it when I realize I’ve made a bad decision, but I’m too far in to turn back.
Bartender: One more then?
Me: Yep
I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.
*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
My neighbor shouldn’t put up a fake graveyard for Halloween if she doesn’t want me getting drunk and performing Thriller every night at 2AM.
The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.
Cha-ching is my safe word
DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple
Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.
And send.
[Me visiting US for the first time]
Friend: This is a dollar store
Me: Why’s it called that?
Friend: Cos everything costs a dollar
Me: How’s about this candy bar?
Friend: Duh, it’s a dollar
Me: Cool. OK, I’ll buy this pack of pens
Assistant: That’s $1.08
Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian