someone: *obvious flirt*
me, oblivious fool: aw they are so nice
also me, five years later, waking up in cold sweat at 3 am: WAIT A MINUTE
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Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.
wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino
🤣
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.
Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.
Every parent who said “I’ll GIVE you something to cry about” was talking about 2024.
Me: Today I will be patient, kind, and tolerant of things that I can’t control
Also me: Screams at toothpaste for not coming out of the tube faster
Me: I miss the good old days
Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?
M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit
W: I despise you
[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH
Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.
Let’s get started
These are called scissors
*collective aww*
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
Me: What’s a six-letter word for “unhurriedly?”
Wife: Slowly.
Me: [sigh] W-h-a-t…i-s…a…s-i-x…
Parenting through the years:
1st kid: Organic food only
2nd kid: “McDonald’s once in a while isn’t so bad.”
3rd kid: “Did he just eat dog food? I’m sure he’s fine.”
MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.
It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest
Bad news world, my biker gang ‘The Sons Of Panicky’ are finally back out on the streets and oh my god the traffic is SO heavy, maybe we should go back and try again tomorrow
Parental PSA: 6 days left until Halloween.
(Translation: 5 days until your child decides she hates the costume she picked a month ago & wants that a different one. No, not the one in stock- THAT OTHER ONE.)
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???
Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died
Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read
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talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?
girlfriend: I think I need a break
me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.