someone: *obvious flirt*
me, oblivious fool: aw they are so nice
also me, five years later, waking up in cold sweat at 3 am: WAIT A MINUTE
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Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.
store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower
me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet
Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.
And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.
wait a minute….
Sperm me would be swimming in the other direction
[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 🕳 symbol]
DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole
CONTESTANT: what?
[hole opens in the ground]
God: you’re really fast.
Deer: ok.
God: so whenever you sense danger I want you to-
Deer: run away right?
God: no, just [freezes in place].
Deer: got it wait-what?
God: you know just [freezes in place again].
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
had to tell my son that santa isn’t real in the middle of the night because he was hysterical about a strange man coming into the house, but made him *promise* not to tell his younger sister that he doesn’t exist. so instead he told her that santa’s dead
I got rejected on my very first blind date and I don’t understand why.
My date asked me if I had any pets and I said that I had a goldfish. Any hobbies? I said yes, he likes swimming.
oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory
every year on st. paddy’s my mom would give us each a cabbage leaf and we would wear them on our heads like a little hat while we ate our corned beef. i thought this was a thing all irish people did but it turns out my mom just thought it was funny. found out in college.
Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.
Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.
Me: What does that cloud look like to you?
3-year-old: A cloud.
Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?
3-year-old: Rain.
Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.
The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction
Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
No more excuses…
….next year I’m getting that exorcism.
When a child loses a tooth, some parents put a dollar under their pillow. Other parents leave a book called, “Your Disintegrating Body.”
What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windscreen
I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow
If you’re not singing “Hitler Baby one more time” to the tune of Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I’m sorry but you are now.
Boobytrap backwards is partyboob.
Moving on.
Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.