someone: *obvious flirt*
me, oblivious fool: aw they are so nice
also me, five years later, waking up in cold sweat at 3 am: WAIT A MINUTE
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Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
“i just followed a pigeon on TikTok,” i say to you as you are in the room with me but you are an alien from space and don’t understand and say “what?” and i point to my phone and say “i subscribed to a pigeon on my phone” and you’re like “ok? is it coming here?”
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
I’m currently on a really effective diet called “I only have twenty dollars until payday”.
My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭
Friend: how do u maintain your boyish glow
Me: [trying to keep down a mouthful of lightning bugs] I wish I could tell u
Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.
some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe
Seriously, if you go to Central or South America to visit ancient ruins and you don’t dress as Indiana Jones, what’s even the point? Bonus points if you can get the whip through customs.
I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.
Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.
Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
My 8yo (a qualitative soul): How cool is THAT!!
Me (a quantitative soul): *reaches for thermometer*
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth
Him: you’re so cool
Me: thanks
Him: …and aloof
Me: thanks
Him: it’s like you were raised by cats
Me: *licks his face* huh?
You know where I’d like to go?
Missing
You: Alexa, should I worry about being spied on by balloons?
Alexa: Yes, it’s definitely the balloons.
My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face.
I teared up a little.
I get strippers, I get it.
“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.
ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.
“What do you like to do in your free time?”
Golf.
“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”
8 years ago.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.