“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
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Judging by the state of my toddler every day when I pick her up, her preschool has an “all children wearing sunscreen must be rolled in sand” policy
me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
making up a lame excuse to bail on plans
– transparent
– not cool dude
– you always do this“i can’t go… because of the curse”
– woah
– sounds serious
– not gonna ask too many questions
– i’ll just cancel next week’s plans too, hope u get this thing sorted out
°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
[getting brutally stabbed] hey wait, you have an eyelash *gently removes it* make a wish
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…
deleted instagram because i’m sick of it and there is nothing on there that i want to see anymore. deleting my bank app for the exact same reason
A couple is asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.
The wife shakes the husband and says “Honey, there’s someone at the door.”
The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man.
“Can I help you?”
“Could you give me a push?” asks the drunk man.…
The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.
i turned 40 and suddenly i can’t see shit if i drive at night and it’s raining. Is the lane still there? Idk. Did the road disappear? Idk. Am I even on the road anymore? Nope.
once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”
Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.
My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”
*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix
It’s time.
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
[after an argument]
me: *scribbling on a paper*
him: what’s that? what are you writing?
me: *filing it alphabetically in a box marked “People Who’ve Wronged Me”* oh nothing
Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.
We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
hey yall i’m subletting my room from 6:15pm-8:57pm tonight while im at the gym, $76 + utilities
A man said to a woman on tv that she’s ”candy for the eyes” and immediately my stupid mind made a stupid joke that all the candy I ever consumed was instead ”candy for the thighs”, and then I thought tweet it, girl, tweet it real good! You’re welcome.
If you aren’t amazed by a plant showing up after you put a seed in the ground, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you’re like, really hot.
I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!
[meeting GF’s mom]
Wow! This must be your sister! Your baby sister! *shakes keys in front of her face* I’m overselling this, aren’t I?
The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom
look, a three-day weekend once a month is all i ask. the rest can be four-day weekends
If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher