Someone on Facebook asked what they should name a horse with a parent named Red Wine. I said Caberneigh and I keep cracking up when I think about it.
I am my target audience.
You Might Also Like
“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.
This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.
[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
I want to fight these b*****s who are 28 saying, “I’m so old!” but I can’t because I hurt my neck looking down at the ground.
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us
The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.
*takes 87 selfies*
Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.
genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u
me: random rule but ok
genie: seriously don’t even try
me: ok i won’t
genie:
me:
genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work
WAITER: so did you enjoy your meal this evening?
GF: I DID, until some IDIOT ruined it with his food puns
ME: I cannoli assume she means you
They say I’m too much of a competitive mom but I think kids need encouragement
I SAID SWEEP THE LEG, LILY!-Ma’am, this is just a bake sale
Me: So it’s kittens… driving sports cars!!
Studio Head: I need security up here NOW.
Me: PLEASE DON’T REJECT “THE FAST AND THE FURRIEST”
Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.
These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.
We went on a family vacation and it was a terrible experience. It was all whining, complaining, and tantrums. And don’t get me started on what my kids did.
My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”
Octopuses are amazing in that they can squeeze into really tight spaces to hide.
But when I do it, NO ONE is amazed. All I hear is, “Play with us!” from my kids and “STOP hiding under the bed from our kids, YOU ARE NOT an octopus!” from my wife.
[Sigh]
[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat
Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
Me: *throws banana and waits for it to return, boomerang style* that’s the last time I ever believe anything I read on Yahoo Answers…
Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye
Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.
Me: I’ll see you in court, Counselor!
Her: Sir, I just asked if you want your Happy Meal to go.
Me: You can’t handle the truth!
This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby
My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
Him: “Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?” Me: “no.” Him: “well, what kind of chips would you prefer?”
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.
I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.