Someone on Facebook asked what they should name a horse with a parent named Red Wine. I said Caberneigh and I keep cracking up when I think about it.
I am my target audience.
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tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
[Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that?
Me in super frilly tux: Nope
*Dog walks in also wearing tux*
Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly
[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?
Having to choose between an old guy or a convicted felon is a perfect depiction of what dating apps are Iike
Batman: what’s your power
Superman: *removes glasses*
Batman: woah where’d the nerd go
Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime
u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question
Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!
Google search history:
-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe
the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer
your honor if it pleases the court i brought homemade brownies for everyone
upon my death:
1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case
Realtor: This house has a great location
Me: But what’s the square doggage?
Realtor: What
Me: *rubbing my temples* How many dogs can it fit?
It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.
3am
Me: *wakes up for no reason*
Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*
Bladder: We should pee.
Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!
“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”
– Capitalism baby
[feels adventurous]
As a kid: *climbs a tree*
As a teen: *dyes hair*
In my 20s: *backpacks thru Europe*
In my 30s: *tries a new TV show*
“You don’t like my cooking? You’ll be hearing from my lawyer!” – Sue Chef
“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.
Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.
*time travels to the 1950s*
Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet
1950s person: incredible! How does it work?
Me:
“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.
“tom cruise does his own stunts” ok? so do i. i just have fewer stunts to do. fewer stunts are being asked of me
I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.
i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach
the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps
My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
