Someone on Facebook asked what they should name a horse with a parent named Red Wine. I said Caberneigh and I keep cracking up when I think about it.
I am my target audience.
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The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.
About ran over a guy jogging at 6 am in 10 degree weather, simply as a mercy killing. But my husband stopped me, explaining that some people “enjoy” that sort of thing.
So I just started chasing the dude with my car, to increase his joy.
If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.
Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.
Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship
Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦
My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!
hypnotist: next time you smoke, youll taste something disgusting
me: disgusting as in gross or as in morally wrong
hypnotist: idk whatever
[later]
me: *spitting out cigarette* insulin costs HOW much
Watching TV
Detective: … and the horribly mangled remains were found on October 25th…
Me: Woo! They said my birthday!
Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags
Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community
I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.
Arctic Scientist: your résumé said you have worked your whole life in extreme cold
Me: no, what it says is I’ve been working my entire life with *lowers sunglasses* zero degrees…
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
So my rum and raisin cake is gluten free.
It’s also raisin free.
And cake free.
OK it’s just rum
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”
Friend: I can’t sleep.
Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?
Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.
Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”
When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth
Watching a movie and this guy just shoved three dead bodies into a trunk and all I could think was, “That’s some serious storage. What kind of car is that?”
So my question to you is, do I have to start wearing New Balance and cargo shorts now?
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here
me: what did you go as for halloween
coworker: I wore-
me: [stands up] WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR
coworker:
me:
coworker: did you just ask me that to-
me: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING
Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.