Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days

Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.

scientist: what do u know about atoms

me: very little

I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…

I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.

The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.

I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.

Not even the staff thought I’d be getting out of the hospital this early – I snuck a peek at my chart and the nurse had written “unusual discharge”

Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.

My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days

The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.

There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.

I became fatter.

My 3yo came running towards me, I opened my arms ready for the biggest hug from him until he stopped right in front of me, wiped his nose on my sleeve and ran away

That’s motherhood summed up for you

Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.

employee: over 100 ppl were killed by the dinosaurs again
CEO: my God
[10yrs later]
CEO: what if we made a dinosaur theme park again lmao

[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.

Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?

I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk

[Inspecting car]

*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”

sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior

Me: Would you like to go out for coffee sometime?

Her: I’d love that!

Me: Great, we need milk and eggs too. See you after while

Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.

I told you these spanx were too tight.

-my tombstone

They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”

I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.

Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.

My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.

Things I learned today:

1) Gel is not short for jelly
2) KY isn’t an acronym for “Krazy Yummy”
3) I’m not allowed to make my own lunch

Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?

Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack

Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs

Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome