Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments
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50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.
So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.
“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.(Not even slightly sorry)
Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes
5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
*loses my composure*
Weigh me now
Server: Would you like another glass of wine?
Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have time
Server: For the wine?
Me: No, for silly questions
Priest: may God rest his soul
*casket begins to lower*
*I start clapping*
*everyone looks at me*
Me: sorry was that not the end of it
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
Ken is short for chicken
Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat
[learning to drive stick]
Dad: hands at 10 and 2
Me: ok
Dad: now go ahead and shift
Me: *sweating*
Dad: shift
Me: *slowly moves hand*
Dad: 10 AND 2 ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US
i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent
my google searches after a couple nephews came over for lunch
– when did competitive farting become a thing
– can humans or dogs die from fart clouds
– bean-free chili recipes
23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List
Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards
HADES: Unleash the hell hound!
CERBERUS: *sipping tea* I told you to ask first if it’s a good time for us.
HADES: Is it a–
CERBERUS: No.
a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter
My dad overheard a conversation at Thanksgiving about the show The Last of Us and wanted to binge it before Christmas, but he accidentally watched This Is Us instead and his texts to the group chat about “where are the zombies” are insane
“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”
-Sharks in Malaysia
This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.
interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please
I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100
The Last Dance just keeps getting better
I don’t get it. EVERYTHING we do is for money. Why does society condemn it for sex? DAD: Um, okay. Maybe someone ELSE wants to say grace?