Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself

Ladies time to start dating the older dudes

They can get you in the grocery store earlier

I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.

Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage

If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.

*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”

“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”

I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.

Her: So, are you seeing anyone?

Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?

I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit

Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.

Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.

I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.

Doing taxes in the 90s:
Clippy pops up
“I see you’re trying to scam the tax system. Would you like help?”

DATING TIP: PULL THE CHAIR OUT FOR HER. PICK THE CHAIR UP & FOLD IT. HIT HER OVER THE HEAD WITH THE CHAIR. GET THE 3 COUNT. NEW WWE CHAMPION

EVERYBODY SHUT UP the plane they use to fly the horses from all over the world to the Olympics for the equestrian events is called AIR HORSE ONE

I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning

Translator: We changed the Bible verses forbidding happy marriage to say gay marriage.
King James: Same thing, what could possibly go wrong?

yeah i’m a bit of a rebel

Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?

Annnnd that’s how the fight started.

Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.

That guy who narrates the true crime shows has the most soothing voice. He should be reading bedtime stories or something but instead he’s saying stuff like “Then he cut off her head and dumped her car in the river” all chill and mellow.

all i want is to be as happy as this potato

ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?

*slides over pic of him with another dog*

JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.

I just saw a sign that said “if you can plan for a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and in my mind those two things are the same things

Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?

Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc

[American TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.

[British TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.

When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”

If I was Taylor Swift I would only date men whose job has a lot of terms that are easy to rhyme with.
How are you gonna be in the throes of heartbreak and have to write a song rhyming with “line of scrimmage”?