Someone on Facebook sent me an invite to their Fall Tupperware party. The only way I’m going is if they’re full of food.
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If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.
friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back
me: oh wow me too
[meanwhile]
Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7
No Shave November
No Deodorant December
Lose Your Job January
Forget To Pay Rent February
Move in With Mom and Dad March
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
#CoronaOutbreak
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair
Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.
Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse
FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?
ME: grow up Kalvin
just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…
You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.
Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*
Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?
I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
Next to my high school yearbook photo it said “Most Likely To Fold Under Pressure”. In your face, haters! I SUCK at timed origami contests.
Ever notice how the most sensitive topics love to crash the party at the worst times? Like, “Yes, I’m totally ready to unpack childhood trauma… in the grocery store line.”
[God making water]
“it helps plants”
ANGEL: nice
“cleans things”
A: ok
“u die if u don’t drink it”
A:
“& drown if u drink it wrong”
A: what
YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button
Hulk: way ahead of you bud
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .
Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.
I heard that, by law, you are required to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.
How am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.