Someone on Facebook sent me an invite to their Fall Tupperware party. The only way I’m going is if they’re full of food.
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[mattress commercial]
husband: i like value
wife: but i want comfort
announcer: now you can have both with our new “split” design, the left side is $899 and the right side is a luxurious $1299
Shallow zombies are like “looooooooks”
Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.
gm
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I’ve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn’t even bother getting up to greet me
Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.
My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers
My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
I’d rather fork than spoon.
Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this
If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
Seas the day!!!!
Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*
*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*
ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
*pronounces “naked” like “baked”
Me, dating.
Him: Hi Wendy. I’m really excited to find out all about you.
Me: Why? Who have you been talking to?
So that’s what we looked like?
