During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
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Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.
HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.
ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.
I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.
you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
[blind date]
JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers
HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet
JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers
People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.
Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
*looking at a stalactite*
ME: Man, look at that stalagmite!
GUIDE: —tite
ME: Right? Dope as hell.
Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone
My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU
the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum
BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.
Kobe was a legend on the court and just getting started in what would have been just as meaningful a second act. To lose Gianna is even more heartbreaking to us as parents. Michelle and I send love and prayers to Vanessa and the entire Bryant family on an unthinkable day.
I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one
Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.
every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
my accountant: look at ur currently monthly budget:
· RENT: $800
· GAS: $200
· CHEEZ-ITS: $2,750me: ur right, i need a cheaper place.
I was thinking about how the cat seems to spend nearly all day in my bed. Maybe from her perspective it’s her bed and I just take the night shift.
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?
Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.
If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.
150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas