@turtledumplin

Someone on my FB posted a snap that said “I’m boared”

And I’m just like…….
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@simoncholland

[Produce Aisle]

Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.

*mouthful of like 20 grapes *

“That lady took one too!!”

@OhNoSheTwitnt

I’m not allowed to watch Hoarders anymore because people say “let it go” too often and then I can’t stop singing it, an autobiography.

@seegreenfairys

I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?

@WilliamRodgers

They need to make a dating App. For couples who have that “3rd wheel” best friend.

It would be like a 3rd party Tinder with 2 References.

@hippieswordfish

absolutely despicable that gingerbread men are forced to live in houses made of their own flesh

@jwoodham

If I was a Quidditch player I’d be the Seeker, because I’m really, really good at doing basically nothing until the very end of something.

@DothTheDoth

As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.

@DaddyJew

Sorry I ruined your surprise party by telling everyone it was an intervention

@SwaGGTheRapper

I picked my nephew up from school & I asked him “how was school?” This boy gonna say “Why you ask me that everytime you see me, you never went to school?”

@carlyken

If you date a guy long enough he’ll start to sound like your dad when you were in junior high:
“Have fun! Be safe! Call me when you get there! Don’t talk to boys!”