Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken
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Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
GENIE: u have 3 wishes
ME: give Taylor Swift 1 extra ear
GENIE: k
ME: a blue one
GENIE: righto
ME: now make Kanye hear out of it
GENIE: dude
Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.
Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.
Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?
Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?
You can see some absolutely disgusting and terrifying things in the subway. I once saw a guy order marinara sauce on his 6” tuna sub.
Me: Why don’t we have a nice, romantic bubble bath?
Him: Sounds amazing*flash forward*
Him: I thought we’d be taking the bubble bath together
Me: (from the other tub) My tub is too small for two, you know that. And say “over” when you’re done talking on the walkie, babe
GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
meow
*Directing cats*
Me: Ok, take nine, you’ve gotta nail this one ok?
Stunt cat: you’re telling me!
It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together
I know this now
How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.
*pronounces woah like Noah*
Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.
In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.
[moth meeting]
Moth: I was thinking, since we all love the light so much why don’t we come out during the day?
Head moth: no, we fly into lamps until we die
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
i am only capable of working on things in zero stress or extreme stress situations, in all other situations u can find me laying down and patiently waiting until extreme stress kicks in
It is all a lie. Folding laundry does NOT get you laid. I do mine all the time and yet there is not a knock at my door…
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?
Her: You like shopping?
Me: Oh god yes!
Her: What’s your favorite place?
Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!
Cop: Why did you burn that building down?
Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.
Cop: You’re free to go.